Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Manly Men of the Week

A lot of people think that the Manly Man of the Week award should be given out every week. They couldn't be more wrong. See, this award is SO PRESTIGIOUS and LIFE CHANGING that I can't simply give it out to every Tom, Dick and Harry. Some weeks there just isn't someone manly enough to give the award too.

And some weeks I forget, or have something better to write about.

But this week I have not one, but TWO winners. My brothers.

I don't want to get all mushy here, but when you have brothers who will come out and fix your lawn mower, or take care of your dogs, you know you're a lucky man. Let's just say they've always been there for me, and leave it at that.

All of the recent kindness, however, still doesn't make me forget when they almost drowned me, or the years of psychological damage from the entire "soccer bopper" incident (don't ask).

Still, though, I have to give them the ultimate award. Congrats, brothers. You are the manly men of the week.


Arrow86H said...

What is the prize for being 50% winner and when is the award ceremony?

Arrow86H said...

Are women eligble for this award, manly women?

Arrow86H said...

I saw the trophy you gave Mom for being the "manly man of the week" and I can't wait to get mine!

Arrow86H said...

I think the Manly Man needs to get a job!

The Manly Man said...

The prize for winning is one small candle of your choice. There might be a meal involved, I haven't decided yet.

Yes, women ARE eligible for this award- Some of the manliest men I know are women.

I don't think mom won manly man of the week. You must be thinking of a different Manly Man Candle Company.

Lastly, being this manly IS A FULL TIME JOB.

Anonymous said...

(manly man award co-winner walking to the podium amid riotous applause and rolling stones music...)

"thank you. thank you all. thank you." (riotous applausse continues) "thank you. thank you so much. thank you. thank you."

"i accept this award as manly man co-man of the week on behalf on manly man eveywhere."

(riotous applause begins anew, and dies down when manly man co-winner asks for silence)

"thank you. i'd like to thank, first of all, my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the God-given abilities to strive for greatness...to reach for the stars...for if one cannot reach for the stars...one will never walk on the moon. My Savior, i offer humble thanks..."

(riotous applause reaches a quick crescendo, then once again subsides...)

"i'd like to thank the academy...for, without them, the winner would be some john deere salesman wearing a suit in dubuque, iowa...and a john deere salesman in a suit is just not manly...I'd like to thank my mother and father...for they have stood solidly beside me in times both thick and thin...they have propped me up when i needed propping...much like an airport worker props up the prop of a prop driven cub...mom and dad, i thank you..." (manly man award winner dabs his eyes in a manly way, wiping away the tears of joy...while he silently gives humble thanks that this manly man award makes it possible that he is able to show such emotion...)

"i'd like to thank Ronald Wilson Reagan...for he gave me hope in the 80's, when we thought all hope was lost...i'd like to thank mick, keith and the rest of the rolling stones, for their bone-jarring chords and searing riffs found the bare essence of my soul...and, as mick and keith wrote in the timeless classic "jumpin' jack flash", i was INDEED born...in a cross-fire hurricane...but thanks to all those whose role has been instrumental in my procuring this award, the winds of hurricane blaine have abated somewhat...i am proud to say that i no longer am a category 5...i have been downgraded. but, this manly man award upgrades me to the upper echelon of manliness..."

(the camera pans to the audience, who are all crying like newborn kittens...)

"thank you. i'd also like to thank bruce springsteen- because, though my birthday is on the third of july, I was indeed "born in the usa"...and, for awhile i emulated his words "end up like a dog thats been beat too much, 'til you spend half your life just a coverin' up..."

"I'd like to thank dr. jekyl and mr. hyde...so powerful in my life, a lifetime committed to helping others, a lifetime of farming and medicine..."

"I'd like to thank albert einstein, for without e=mc2 i shudder to think the void i would have...i need to thank nikita kruschev for not bombing us...and, i HAVE to thank Ezra Taft Benson...'nuf said."

(honoree takes award, bows slightly...)

"in closing, i'd like to say thank you to Simba, the best cat i've ever known...to frederick von porsche, who thoughtfully married a von trappe...thusly avoiding a speed trappe...

to the fireman, i say thank you. to the layers of concrete i applaud you for a job well done...to the boys in badges and blue who keep us safe i say, eat those doughnuts...may your clip never be empty. to the sentencer of sirhan sirhan i bow to you- for your sentence was both just and swift...

to the manly men in prison i say hang in there, don't drop the soap... to our brave warriors in afghanistan and iraq i pledge to you all my manly support...

"i think it only fitting that i close with lyrics written by the Boss, The Man, The Leader of the E-Street Band...yep, mr. bruce.

(from "these are better days")

"I'm halfway to heaven, only a mile outta hell...dear God, i'm coming home...these are better days, these are better days its true, these are better days, better days with an award like you...mr. manly man."

and mom said i'd never amount to anything!

Anonymous said...

Great speech anonymous,

It is always important to remember our mothers...

It has been said that at the birth of the sun and of his brother the moon, their mother died. So the sun gave to the earth her body, from which was to spring all life. And he drew forth from her breast the stars, and the stars he threw into the night sky to remind him of her soul.

- Last of the Mohicans

You are truly one of the last of you people.

“Life is too short to be little. Man is never so manly as when he feels deeply, acts boldly, and expresses himself with frankness and with fervor.”

-Benjamin Disraeli

Thank you and good luck.

ROBERT said...

You see BlaineO, I always knew it was the lyrics! Robert C.