Friday, July 11, 2008

It's iPhone 2.0 day!

First, a confession: I was born in the 70s, and I had a Pong machine hooked up to a black and white TV as a kid. I then graduated to a Commodore Vic-20, then a Commodore 64, both of which rocked. Back then we didn't have fancy floppy disks, we actually stored things on cassette tapes, just like the ones we used to listen to music on. No, I'm not kidding.

Anyway, now my iPod has 8,600 times more processing power and 174,450 times more storage than that first Vic-20. Don't quote those numbers, because I just made them up. The important thing to take away from all of this is that time marches on, and now my coffee pot has a better computer in it that NASA had on its early rockets.

Today is another banner day in computer history. iPhone 2.0 has arrived.

Why should you care? Well, even if you don't use an iPhone you'll care about this, because what the iPhone is (and has been) is what the rest of the cell phones in the world will be in five years, when they catch up. The coolest part of the new iPhone is "The Application Store", which lets you download hot new games and programs right to your phone. I am quite excited by this.

So, with no further ado, I present you with a list of the top new iPhone applications.

1. SUPER MONKEY BALL. The iPhone has built in accelerometers, which are little gizmos that tell the iPhone how it's moving through the air. That opens up a cool new way to control applications and games. On Super Monky Ball you just tip the iPhone left to move the guy left, right to move right, down to go forward and back to go back. This will be the first game I buy. $9.99.

2.WEATHER CONTROLLER. Is it too hot outside? To cold? Your iPhone can now save the day! This application will let your iPhone focus the energy from local cell phone towers to specific areas of the skies overhead, which allows you to create or chase clouds away. This in turn will warm or cool the earth, giving you a perfect day any time you want! Version 2.0 (Codename: Rainmaker) will allow you to bring rain, snow, or lightening to any area you wish. Use with caution. $14.99.

3. MySpace MOBILE. As if your 14 year old girl doesn't spend enough time on MySpace, this application will give them a lightening fast version of the popular social networking site anywhere they can get a cell phone signal. MySpace Mobile also has a special attachment that connects to the user's spine (Surgery required, small battery pack must be attached to back of neck) that provides the user with small electric shocks when any other person with MySpace Mobile is even thinking about them, let alone commenting, messaging or updating profiles. Free without neck attachment, $29.99 with.

4. PLANT WHISPERER. Have a green thumb? Maybe you have a house plant that's slowly whithering away, and you can't figure out why? This is the program for you. Simply point your iPhone towards the plant you're working on and this program will convert the electrochemicals given off during photosynthesis to actual plant speech. Finally you can communicate with your plants! This program will let them tell you if they need water (or have too much), need sunlight, or want you to change the radio station to some cool jazz. Currently not compatible with Gerber Daisies. $8.99.

5. NANNY PHONE. Have a baby? Exhausted after a long day? Nanny Phone can give you the night off. Just put the iPhone in your baby's crib and close the door- You have the night off! If your baby starts crying Nanny Phone will play soothing lullabies while gently utilizing the vibrate functionality to sooth your baby back to sleep. It will also periodically take pictures of your baby and email them to you to keep you abreast of the situation. Nanny Phone can also play Baby Einstein movies for the child during its awake times. If the baby has been crying for more than five minutes Nanny Phone will place a call to Child Protective Services. Caution: iPhone not certified as a baby care provider. Use the included iPhone rubber cover during use, as iPhone is not drool-proof. $39.99.


Anonymous said...

Come on Manly Man, there has got to be something more manly to write about than a feminine phone. You are letting your loyal readers down! How about you tackling your folks' roof, mowing with a manly mower that your brother fixed, taking care of your wife, keeping the hounds away from your daughter, today's electronics are so powder puff, I don't use them. If someone wants to talk to me, they can get in a 4 wheel drive pickup that gets 12 gallons to the mile and come visit! What ever happened to explosions, chest hair and body noises the manly man has wrote about in the past? Bring back the good old days!

Anonymous said...

And call your mother and tell her you love her, and your wife to, and your brothers, possibly your daughter. And it wouldn't hurt you to say something nice about your Dad either!

Anonymous said...

exactlly. to the earlier poster, i can add only "amen brotha"

iPhones. holy dogshit. i could see owning one if you're a woman, but if you're a guy only a freaking pussy would own one. sack up and grow a pair...and leave the iPhones to those who have estrogen. and get rid of this damn word verification bullshit. this is a manly site, do away with all the extraneous bullshit. now.

Anonymous said...

Hey Manly Man!

I hear you have a couple of brothers. I heard one manages the most manly elevator in Montana, has been a firefighter for twenty years, owns and flies his own plane, and generally walks on water! It don't get more manly than that! The other works in the medical field saving lives and loves country music. Sounds like the Manly Man is the luckiest man in the universe!

The Manly Man said...

You two had better be careful... I give out the manly men awards, and I can take them away!

Better yet, I think next week I'll dedicate the entire week's blog to my brothers... It's time the world got to know them! Muhahahahaahahhaa!

Anonymous said...

the manly man IS the luckiest man alive, but not because of his 'ner do well brothers. it's because of his saint of a wife.

Anonymous said...

Hey manly man,

I agree with the saint of a wife thing. I could defend her a lot more than I do If I could just understand her accent! She is way to cute for a rugged he-man like you. Does the Manly Man have a southern dictionary he could share? Could the Manly Man's wife perhaps comment?

Anonymous said...

You guy's are too sweet! I think the Manly Man is lucky because of his wonderful daughter and great family, and of course his lovely Southern wife! ;~) I will work on you a Southern Dictionary, but if you want to really learn you need to visit TN for a couple of weeks! ~ Mrs. Manly Man ~

Anonymous said...

Would Mrs. Manly Man consent to be the tour guide for the Manly Men of the week Co-winners? Tennessee? Is that near Kansas? Or do we go to Illinois and ask for directions? How about it Manly Man, up for a road trip, or do you want to stay at home and play with your new, cute, phone?

dark1 said...

HOLY SMOKES! I seem to be missing the interesting conversation going on here. I do have to agree that some more explosions would be good. Better yet, Top Gear! You can't go wrong with that... As for the iphone... i don't have one. but technology isn't all bad. i rely on technology to get my paycheck :)