Wednesday, December 10, 2008


In a former life I was the guy who took raw data and turned it into charts that were easily understandable. It was really, really stimulating. Okay, not really. I wish I had seen these pie charts back then, because I would have snuck them into my presentations just to see if anyone was paying attention.

Perhaps I'll make some charts about Manly Candles...

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Lexus commercials piss me off

I hope this doesn't make me seem jealous or petty, but Lexus can take a flying leap. The economy is in the crapper, millions of people have or are in danger of losing their homes, and Lexus commercials show rich people giving each other cars for Christmas.

Here is my solemn vow: If I become a freaking BILLIONAIRE I will never purchase a car from Lexus. If you own a Lexus I suggest you sell it and spend the money on Manly Candles.

Actually, if you own any car I suggest you sell it and buy Manly Candles. That's a really good idea.

Monday, December 1, 2008


For maximum effect, please don't read this post silently, scream it at the top of your lungs, with special emphasis on the larger words. Thank you.






ORDER NOW!!!!!!!!

(End commercial)

But seriously, I've lowered the price of the large candles. Buy some!

Great Christmas trees

As reported earlier, my wife put up our Christmas tree tonight, and we lit two Wild Alaska Manly Candles to fill the rooms with an awesome fresh pine scent and hide the fact that our tree is faker than Pam Anderson's... Well, Pam Anderson's everything, really.

I suggest you and your family try this trick, the scent is incredible. IT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE. Well, probably not, but if you buy enough of them, it will CHANGE MY LIFE, and that's really what's important to me.

Speaking of trees, I did a little searching and found this great page filled with unusual (and somewhat manly) Christmas trees.

With no further ado:

Look closely. This tree is made from Mountain Dew cans. Diabetics beware!

Here's a cool version of Charlie Brown's tree. I'm a sucker for this one for some reason.

A tree made from green beer bottles. Sweet. I hope they don't have small children or easily excitable pets in the house, because this falling would be a tragedy of FEMA-sized proportions.

There are a few more on this site. Enjoy!

Happy December!

It's amazing what you can find when you type "sexy Santa" into Google's image search. The picture above is a little something for you female Manly Men who read this... You're welcome.

I am excited that it's December and close to the holidays, that's for sure. The weatherman is calling for snow tonight, and my beautiful pregnant southern wife just put our tree up. I was listening to Christmas music today at work, too, so it's safe to say that I am "in the mood". I don't know why I'm so excited this year, I'm usually not this jolly until the middle of the month. I guess I have a case of Pre-Mistletoe Syndrome.

Expect more corny Christmas-related posts this entire month.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Manly equipment driving

What do you get if you combine men, heavy equipment, and free time?

This video. So cool it hurts.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Typical manly behavior

This is one of the purest examples of manly behavior I have ever seen, and I just about spit out a kidney laughing when I first saw it.

Oh, and please note the camera work. See how the camera just stays focused on the couch for about twenty seconds before anything happens? That builds tension. It makes us all say to ourselves, "This is a huge waste of my time. I should go do something else and get a life." Just when you're about to give up you can hear the motor start. Great technique, I'm telling you.

I also love how the guy just laughs when he's done. He's all man, and that's both good and bad, but it makes a great video.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Cartoon I've saved for six months

I thought it was funny, but I have a somewhat strange sense of humor.

Eucalyptus explosion

I just spent many, many hours making many, many candles, and for the most part it went very, very smoothly. I've decided that I will double the descriptive words in this post to make it seem much, much more exciting.

Anyhoo, I grabbed a big jug of my special top secret formula for Bob's Eucalyptus and it slipped out of my hands and fell to the floor. Of course, it exploded like a Southern girl who's out of hairspray, so now I have the world's best smelling shoes. I can't wait to go to work tomorrow and see if anybody notices.

Now that I think about it, this really could open up a whole new product line for me- Scented shoes. Oh, it's going to be really, really big.

Awesome bathtub fixtures

I was surfing the web the other day when I came across this picture and nearly spit my gum out laughing. I've never seen a set of bathroom fixtures that seemed so worried.

I'm in the process of changing my bathroom fixtures right now, but I don't want mine to look worried... I want mine to look awestruck and impressed- I could use the ego boost every morning when I shower.

If you know what I mean.

Simple formula to increase manliness

One basic formula for increasing manliness is to take an ordinary item and make it, well, extraordinary. This works for almost everything. Regular trucks become monster trucks. Fire crackers and sparklers become the crazy explosives anybody can buy for the 4th of July nowadays. Old fashioned tube televisions become 150" plasma screen movie screens that rival IMAX theaters.

It's simple and effective. There are, however, some things that just can't be made truly manly. A unicycle may very well be one of them, as seen above. Other items that can't use this formula include fanny packs, Croc shoes, and of course the Mazda Miata. The only way to make these items manly is to fill them with Manly Man Candles, a practice I fully endorse.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Human nature

I was looking through some old pictures the other day when I came across a bunch of great snapshots from a trip I took to Laguna Seca. I went there to see the U.S. Grand Prix MotoGP race, and it was AWESOME. The race itself was incredible, but one of the best parts was just watching the people.

Now, I don't condone treating women like objects, but at the MotoGP race they have a bunch of "umbrella girls" walking around advertising various motorcycle related products. These girls will sometimes wear skimpy outfits to garner more male attention, which, again, is a practice I don't believe in.

Let me show you some of the pictures I took of them to prove how much I don't believe in this. Here's an example:

In case you were wondering, the guy with the beard and the white shirt is NOT an umbrella girl. Men just love having their picture taken with these girls for some reason. Now, in this next picture:

You'll notice that the men are happy to see umbrella girls. But I want to talk about human nature for a minute here. See, the interesting part of being at the race wasn't looking at the girls (really, I swear!), it was watching how the guys interacted with the girls. Or, as in my case, didn't interact. I kind of like being a fly on the wall at events like this.

Not like this guy:

See how he got right in the middle of all the girls, no shirt on, and wraps his arms around them? Confident. Manly. A little arrogant, even, but some girls like that. This is one example of male behavior.

Now look at this guy:This guy is with the same group of girls, but look at his arms. If this guy could actually detach his arms and have the camera guy hold them for this picture he would. He's clearly scared to death to touch the girls, and I've got to think they find it cute and endearing. Heck, I found it cute and endearing!

Me? If I'm truly honest with myself I would say I'm a lot more like the shy guy than the shirtless guy, but I have my alpha dog moments too, don't get me wrong.

To sum up: Some people are aggressive, some are passive, some are boisterous, some are shy, and one thing is absolutely certain- They ALL love manly candles.

Guess where!

My last "Guess where" post was a hit, so I've decided to do it again. I'm cool like that.

On a side note, I should have put a limit on the number of candles you could get with the 50% discount, though, because the winner got so many I think they're going to open up their own Manly Man Candle Company. Good luck to them, and yes, they're still eligible to win, because they'll probably have to restock their store soon!

Okay, here goes- Check out the picture above and either email me where it is or post the answer on this very blog entry. Good luck to all of you geography masters!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Long time, no see

I haven't posted lately, but rest assured that all is well and big changes are on the way. I've been extremely busy being extremely manly.

A big congrats to the people who guessed Rhyolite, Nevada for the location of the giant naked woman, your coupon is on the way!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Bike pictures!

People always ask me about my favorite motorcycles, so I thought I'd share pics of my two favorites. This one is my 98 Honda VFR, taken on a trip to Yuma, Arizona one beautiful fall day. If I may geek out for a moment, this bike is one of the best sport-tourers of all time, and the gear driven cams help make what many people, me included, think is the sexiest engine noise of all time. Fast, comfortable, great handling and reliable.
This is my all-time favorite bike, a 2003 Kawasaki KLR 650. I think I spent more money on accessories than the bike itself, but it took me everywhere from the Grand Canyon to Hoover Dam to Death Valley and a thousand other places. I always tell people that the bike was ugly and heavy, but at least it was slow... and that it could fly like an eagle, but it landed like a piano... but I loved it, and selling it was a big mistake.

Me and the giant naked woman

The title of this post pretty much guarantees that this will become the most popular topic on this blog. Clever, huh? I'm sneaky like that.

Yes, that is a picture of me with a giant cinderblock woman. I was on a motorcycle ride to the middle of nowhere when I found her, and I just had to take a picture. Thank heavens for cameras with self timers!

I'll give the first person to tell me where this giant woman is located 50% off there next order. Email me or post the answer in the comments to claim your prize.

Good luck!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Manly Man Race Team Rides Again

We're going racing!

We're gonna sponsor a real live motocross racer this spring, and I couldn't be more excited! You won't see us on TV (yet), but I'm pretty sure we'll be competing for the AMA Supercross championship within two years. Look out, James Stewart!

Seriously, though, I'm psyched. I'm designing a full sticker kit for the bike (World's Fastest Candle!), and I'm also trying to figure out how to make the bike's exhaust smell like our best selling candle, Hunting Lodge.

It's probably against the rules to run candle scents in the gas tank, but that's for the courts to truly decide.

I'll keep you all updated with pictures and results, especially if we win. Updates will be sporadic and ill-tempered if we don't win. Wish us luck!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Motorcycle shop humor

You'll know you're a bike (or car) nerd if you get this story: Somebody asked what the firing order for an old dirt bike was, and one of our mechanics said, "One."

Hhahahahhha, we laughed and laughed. I literally had tears running down my face, and several of the guys nearly collapsed from the unrestrained jocularity.

I guess you had to be there.

The car hunt continues

As you know, I've been on the prowl for a small, economical used car to drive back and forth to work. I decided to pass on the Geo Metro, mostly because I'm not that secure in my manhood, and I can't ever imagine being that confident.

I've driven two very different vehicles lately, and they both belong to one of my brothers. First is a very manly vehicle, a Dodge Ram V-10 3/4 ton pickup truck. The image below isn't the same truck, but it looks just like it:

My wife has to get a ladder and a trampoline to even get in this truck. I enjoy driving it, because like most guys I used to want to be a truck driver when I was little. It's awesome because you feel invincible driving it, and I can see why people would love this vehicle- Got some mud or a giant snow drift? This truck will go through it. Got a gigantic load to move? This truck will haul it. Got a trailer the size of Arkansas to pull? This truck will pull it. Got a gas station with too much gas? This truck will empty it.

Speaking of gasoline, here's a true story. I got in the truck one morning to go to work and the fuel gauge was in the red and the "I'm running low on gas, spend money" light was on. I pulled up to the gas station, put $25 worth of dinosaur juice in, and got back in. The gauge had moved up about .006 of an inch, and THE LOW FUEL LIGHT WAS STILL ON.

That's when I decided the Dodge Ram V-10 truck wasn't for me. So I am on to the next option, which I'll tell you about soon.

Stay tuned!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Pictures I've been saving

Once again I find myself unable to sleep, so I've decided it's time to clean up my computer a bit. Pretty much the only place I'm organized is on the computer- I have stuff all over, but my hard drive is a virtual showcase of logical organization. Strange, I suppose, but I doubt I'm the only one like that.

Here are three images that turned up tonight and made me chuckle. If you don't find them amusing try staying up for a long time until you're really, really tired, then look at them again.

I created (well, modified) this image myself for a Photoshop contest a couple of years ago. It used to have a submarine on the display, but I changed it into a chili dog. Not my best work, but it made me laugh tonight.

I didn't make this image, but it's awesome. It would be even more awesome if cats had their own racing league. CATCAR, maybe.

Funny, yet true at the same time. Love it.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Weird toys

The other day I was looking through a Kawasaki accessories catalog when I came across a couple of teddy bears with the cutest Kawasaki shirts you've ever seen. $20 later, I have two teddy bears that wear the cutest Kawasaki shirts you've ever seen.

Hey, I have a kid, and another on the way! They're not for me!

Some people might think that those are weird, so I did a little research to show you what really weird toys look like- I present the following:

I think this one is called "Bob showed up drunk for work at the toy factory".

Who doesn't want to play with a baby that's being eaten alive?

I don't know what to say about this one, except I would probably buy it, and no, I don't know why. I'd give it someone as a gift, but they'd probably think it was crappy. Hhahahhahahaha, I'm too funny. Sigh.

Anyway, Kawasaki teddy bears are actually pretty normal after seeing this stuff, don't you agree?

Monday, October 13, 2008

Yankee Candles is trying to trick me

I'm always getting wacky emails, and I love each and every one of them. I've gotten emails saying that I'm a genius, which I agree with, and I've gotten emails saying I'm an idiot, which I also agree with. A couple of days ago, though, I got an email that was a little... suspicious.

The email was from a guy who said he was a teacher in rural Illinois, and he wanted to use Manly Man Candle Company as a learning tool to teach kids how to run a business. I've actually gotten a couple of emails like this from teachers, and I always tell them the same thing- If Manly Man Candle Company is going to be the model for kids to learn how to run a business then we are truly in trouble as a nation, because I'm honestly just making this up as I go along.

Anyway, back to the story. Here's a line from his email:

"I know that you are probably rather protective of any scents and recipees for your product so I was wondering if there would be any way that we could get some of your candle fragrances to add to our handmade soybased candles."

Let's examine this for a minute. Please ignore the misspelling of recipes, that's probably just a typo. Or it could be an intentional mistake to distract me from what's really going on here... He wants me to send him the "fragrance" for Manly Man candles! Is he crazy?!? I had to politely tell him no, and I offered to help his "class" in any other way I could, but I think the truth is that he's a spy for Yankee Candles, and he's trying to get the secret formulas for Manly Man Candles.

Oh, and by the way, Mr. Secret Operative for Yankee Candle Company- It's not a "fragrance", that makes a Manly Man Candle so great, it's 100% TESTOSTERSCENT (patent not pending, I just made that word up). No scent for you!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Home Brew is available!

A special for all of the people who read the blog- You can order Home Brew before anyone else! I've hidden it on the website (sort of), so you can get it if you want it, but I'm not putting it on the main page or really pushing it until I get credit cards up and running perfectly.

Here's the link to check it out!

Car shopping

My wife and I are looking for a cheap little car for me to drive back and forth to work in, and good gas mileage is a must. I know that I'm the only person in America who's looking for a cheap car that gets great mileage, so it should be pretty easy, right?


The other day my wife says, "One of my friends said she saw a little car for sale in her neighborhood, we should go check it out!" Off we went, excited as a puppy looking for a bone. We drove right to it, and I'll be darned if it wasn't a cheap car that gets great gas mileage. It had "45 MPG!" written on the windshield, which is way better than I had hoped for.

There's a problem, though. The car is a Geo Metro. Why is that a problem? Well, it only has three cylinders, for one. Total horsepower when brand new: 55. Probably horsepower now? Negative six. That's right, this car probably sucks the horsepower out of cars that get too close.

Did you see that color, by the way? Robin's egg blue if I've ever seen it. Just the thing to attract even more attention to myself in my sexy new car. I bet the stereo only plays Madonna songs, maybe George Michael if you're lucky.

In a nutshell, driving this car would be like driving a giant purse to work. Can you imagine my coworkers comments if I got this car? It would take an EXTREMELY manly man to buy and drive this car.

I guess I'm not as manly as I thought I was. The search for transportation will continue, and I will leave this car for a very lucky 16 year old girl.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Somebody else's address

The other day my wife was flipping through our mail as we were driving home from work, and we got our 2008 Voter Information Pamphlet. I love getting these, because the first thing I do is check to see if anyone has introduced a bill saying that Manly Candle Companies will get a huge stimulus check. FYI: We don't. If Obama or McCain want my vote, they're going to have to at least consider it.

Anyway, my wife says, "We got the pamphlets, but they're not addressed to us."

I say, "Who are they addressed to?"

She says, "Some guy named Al."

I say, "Let me see that."

That's when I saw it. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time. Go ahead and check out the picture of the address.

...scroll down...

...scroll down...

Don't tell my wife I posted this, she'll kill me!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Wickless candles

I've had a few people ask for me to make a special line of "wickless candles".


Here's the definition of the word "candle": Candle |╦łkandl| noun, A cylinder or block of wax or tallow with a central wick that is lit to produce light as it burns.

Now, I don't pretend to know what "tallow" is, but I think you'll notice that the key words in the definition of candle are wax, wick, lit, and burns. Therefore, it is impossible to have a "wickless" candle. You would have a chunk of smelly wax. That doesn't sound too appealing, does it?

Here's what I'll do for you fine people though. Anybody who wants a wickless candle now has my permission to buy my regular WICKED candles and pull the wick out with a pair of pliers. Once you do that you can pat yourself on the back, because you've neutered your Manly Man Candle.

Doesn't seem right, does it? Why, a Manly Man Candle without a wick is like:

1. A pencil with no lead

2. A dog with its barker removed

3. Me without my mojo

4. A guitar with no strings

5. (Mad libs version: A [noun] without its [noun].)

See? You get it. But hey, if you want wickless, I'll pull your wick out for an extra dollar. I try to be accommodating.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

I just ate green tomato pie

I'm not one to give in to peer pressure easily. Over the course of my 37 years on planet Earth I've "just said no" more times than I can remember. I don't smoke, chew tobacco, do drugs, cheat on my beautiful southern wife, or anything else that Nancy Reagan wouldn't approve of. I do enjoy a tasty beer every now and then, but I look at that as more supporting Montana's great barley industry than anything else.

I did, however, just give in to peer pressure at work.

A buddy brought in his mom's homemade pie. It looked great, and he asked me if I wanted a piece. I asked what kind of pie it was, and he said GREEN TOMATO. I thought he must be joking, because what kind of madman would waste a perfectly good pie crust by filling it with green tomatoes?

Turns out that madman was his mom, and she's been doing it for years. He wanted me to taste the pie. I said no thanks.

"Come on, just one bite. It's delicious."

I stuck to my guns. No thanks. I've given up eating pie for Lent. Whenever that is.

"Come on, just try it real quick. You'll love it."

No thanks, I've got to get back to work. I think I hear my boss calling me.

"Brent. Come on."

No. I don't like tomatoes when they're cooked, raw, green, red, pink, or orange, so I know this isn't going to have a happy ending. In fact, if a tomato isn't in ketchup form, I'd rather it didn't go in my food chute.

"Brent, am I going to have to take away your man card?"

Many people don't understand the importance of the man card. It's completely fictitious, but still important. If someone takes your invisible man card away the shame will follow you for minutes, if not hours. I tried to hold my ground by telling him my wife already has my man card. He would not give up.

"Brent. Come on."

You can see that he was being quite persuasive, and I sensed that our relationship would be damaged forever if I didn't try his mother's green tomato pie. I took my fork out, grabbed a piece of the pie, and tossed it in my mouth.

It took a minute for the taste to sink in. At first it just tasted like an apple pie. Great crust, good taste of cinnamon and sugar, it was great. Then the tomato taste kicked in. It was like a thousand little tomato men all threw up in my mouth at once. I started sweating, chewing, and laughing as I tried to grind it into chunks small enough to swallow. I somehow managed to get it down, and drank the rest of my Diet Coke to try to mask the taste.

It was horrible. As they say on TV, don't try this at home.

A few logo entries

Guess who rocks?

Me, of course, but that's just a given. Guess who ELSE rocks?

People who take the time to design logos for Manly Man Candle Company. With no further ado, I'd like to present a few of the entries:

Love it. The chest hair, the muscles, the beer gut... So manly.

This one is sweet, I've named him Flame Man. The artist of this one has a brilliant future in the anime industry.

This one would look great on letterhead.

I swear that the artist of this one must have been looking at me when they made this one. It looks just like me! Check out the smoke- It says the company name. Very creative.

Awesome. My favorite part is the font- It's hard to see here, but it's made up of boards that are nailed together.

A big thanks to all who have, and are, participating. You've all done great!

Goal for this month: 15 posts

I'm going to try an old tactic here- I failed in my goal of 30 posts for last month, so for this month I'm lowering the bar. 15 posts should be doable, I'm hoping. I don't know what I was smoking when I thought I'd hit 30, that was crazy.

Anyway, I have a lot of topics for this month. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The naming of "Home Brew"

Now that it's almost time for the release of Home Brew, I think I'll give you a little "sneak peek" at the "behind the scenes" action of Manly Man Candle Company.

And no, ladies, that doesn't mean you can "peek" at my "behind".

I am becoming obsessed with quotation marks lately. I'll "try" to "stop".

One of the hardest things to do here at Manly Man Candle Company is to name the scent. See, each of these candles is like a child to me (don't tell my daughter), so all of the standard naming issues come into play. I have to think about many, many things before finally deciding on a name, such as:

1. Will the other candles make fun of this candle's name?

2. Will this candle's name be cute when it's small (4 ounce), yet strong when it's big (16 ounce)? Will the name cause any problems during those difficult "middle sizes" (8 ounce)?

3. Can this candle's name be easily mocked? You'll notice that Clean Laundry isn't called Clenis Laundry. That's for a reason. That's also why my next child won't be named Richard or Mulva. Yes, I've seen that episode of Seinfeld.

There are many more things that go through my mind, too, but that's a sampling. I also have hundreds of people suggest names for me too. Some of the suggestions include:

1. Kegger

2. Beer:30 (As in, what time is it? Beer:30.)

3. Barley Pop

4. Drunka Cola

Sure, those are good names too, but I think Home Brew sums up the scent the best- It's a dark beer smell, not really a domestic beer, but more of a hoppy specialty beer smell. It's great. I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks.

Sneak peek

It's almost time...

Rising post count

This picture both amuses and confuses me. My questions are as follows:

1. Why is the word "BEER" written in cheese, or sponge?

2. Why is the last guy pregnant?

3. Why do the British insist on throwing an extra "u" in words like honor?

4. Is anyone noticing that I'm desperately trying to get to 30 posts for September?

Oh, guess what my candle factory smell like right now? I can't tell you. It's a secret.

Somewhat gratuitous

You know what? There are a bunch of pictures of girls holding beer on the internet.

Another hint

What could I be getting at here?

Big announcement coming soon!

A teaser picture!

I wonder what this picture could be hinting at?

Monday, September 22, 2008

Some non-manly sayings

I just realized that I only gave you one example of things not to say when you're trying to be manly. I know you, though. You want a few examples so you won't accidentally appear non-manly. Your wish, my friend, is my command.

I'll start with my co-worker's example, just to shame him again.

1. "I get cold really easy."

2. "Billie Joe, where did you get those shoes? They're adorable!"

3. "Did you see what happened on Desperate Housewives last night?" (This is completely unrelated, but Desperate Housewives starts this Sunday. Grey's Anatomy starts this Thursday.

4. "Why does anybody need a (car, motorcycle, boat, or anything that moves) that goes that fast?"

5. "I get cold really easy." (That one just deserves to be on the list twice.)

Think about this list for a minute and I'm sure you'll come up with some ideas of your own. Post them if you're feeling manly!

How not to sound manly

Just to clarify: The guy in the dress is NOT me. It's after Labor Day, and I wouldn't be caught dead in white.

I got the idea for this post from something that happened at work. See, a motorcycle shop is a GREAT place to get ideas for a manly blog, and today a co-worker gave me an idea for this topic- How NOT to sound manly.

My co-worker, who I would consider a friend (at least, I did consider him a friend, before this came out of his mouth), said, "I don't like snowmobiles, because I'm thin and I get cold really easy."

Sigh. That's just not manly. Here's what he should have said- "I don't like snowmobiles, because they're too slow, and the snow really lessens the chances for a major injury. That's why I only race 300 horsepower unicycles over tracks of broken glass while I have my hair on fire."

Instead, though, at least once a day someone will ask him if he's "chilly" and needs a blanket and a cup of cocoa.