Saturday, February 28, 2009

Sad update on the mustache

A couple of weeks ago I posted that a few of my friends and I were going to grow some kick butt facial hair, as I'm sure you remember. You remember, don't you?

How did it go, you ask? Ummmm..... Not too well. I started out by growing a fairly sexy beard, just so I could avoid the painful initial stages of mustache lip. Then, one morning when my beard was thick and manly, I broke out the trimmer and took off everything that didn't look particularly Tom Sellecky. Clippings filled the sink. Gradually my face appeared.

Then I learned that trimming a beard into a mustache is harder than it looks. I took too many whiskers off the 'stache, which left it a bit too... well..... Hitler-ish. I knew something had gone wrong, but I went to work with it anyway, which was probably a mistake because my boss saluted me like I was in the SS as soon as I walked in the door.

Yep, it was a long day at work.

Anyhoo, I've been growing the beard out again just so I can take another stab at it. This time I'm going for less crazy dictator and more sexy detective- Pictures may be forthcoming if it turns out well.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Evolution of a manly label

It's time for another trip down memory lane. I've been spending a couple hours each night redesigning the labels for Manly Man Candles and it got me to thinking about some of my previous designs. So, with no further ado, here are the previous side label designs:

From July of 2006- My first real attempt. I can't remember the font, but I thought the fire inside the lettering was cool. I may have been wrong.

From October of 2006. We decided that we needed a company color, and decided on red. The inner flames still burned within the letters.

In May of 2007 I changed to the new font. I tried to save work by making the labels as uniform as possible, but while this looked good it made it very hard to tell the candles apart from each other. The bull started appearing around the website and labels.

February 2008 brought an effort to add color and humor to the labels. Now the candles said "Do not eat", "Not to be used as a flotation device", "99% plutonium free", and more.

Which brings us to today. Don't worry, the humor's still there, it's just been moved to the warning label.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Thinking about changing my name

My Name is Grassman. Brent Grassman. Shaken, not stirred.

See, that just doesn't work. My first name, Brent, has served me adequately for 37 years now, but I'm not going to say it's been without some problems. I've been called Brett, Rhett, Gent, and twice people actually thought my name was Prince. No, I'm not kidding. Prince.

I've always wanted a name that's a bit more common. Like Ben, John, or Steve. A simple name that people wouldn't make me repeat. Now that I'm the owner of a major global company I'm thinking about changing my name to better suit my new stature. I have three criteria for my future name- It must ooze manliness, it must be easy to remember, and it must be somewhat short- I don't have time for long signatures.

So with that in mind, here are a few possibilities:

1. Jake Stone

2. Hank Scorpio (see above picture)

3. Rock Steel

4. Man Lee McCandle (the "Mc" is silent)

5. Al Uminum

6. Russ Tedbearing

I have many, many ideas, but I can't seem to pick one that fits me perfectly yet. Suggestions are appreciated.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Here's how to fix the U.S. auto industry

Break the mold. Shift the paradigm. Hire more attractive women to stand next to your cars.

Hey, couldn't hurt.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Brewing with Mr. Beer

Guess what time it is- Time to brew!

The picture above shows the glory of "Mr. Beer", a home brewing kit that let's any Tom, Dick or Brent turn ordinary water into beer. Yes, you read that right, I'm so manly I make my own beer.

Mr. Beer is super-convenient, too, as you can have cold beer in your fridge in as little as six weeks! It takes really, really good planning to be an alcoholic with Mr. Beer.

It's really easy to make your own beer. All you have to do is follow 1,594 steps in the perfect order, measure everything precisely, store it at the perfect temperature, read to it every night before it goes to bed, and about 45 days later you'll have some of the most delicious liquid you've ever tasted.

Unless something went wrong. Then it'll taste like burnt poop.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Happy Day After Valentine's Day!

Here's a little something for you female Manly Men. I'm writing this a day late because I spent all of yesterday (Valentine's Day) taking the very best care of my Beautiful Southern Wife™. To sum up my day:

1. Woke up early, made her breakfast in bed.

2. Put in "Steel Magnolias" for us to watch as we had breakfast in bed.

3. Took the dishes to the kitchen and washed them as she drifted back off to dreamland.

4. After doing the dishes, I took the petals from some of the twelve dozen roses I bought her and placed them into a hot (but not too hot) bubble bath I had just run for her.

5. When her bath was done, I draped her in a brand new ultra-soft terry cloth robe I got her just for Valentine's Day and led her to the living room, where I had a hot cup of decaffeinated coffee, a new copy of Us Weekly, and "The View" on television.

6. As she watched "The View", I massaged her feet.

7. We then drove to the mall, where we shopped for makeup, clothes, and baby stuff.

8. After the mall, we went to a pet store where we looked at puppies and kittens.

9. We then took a lovely drive through town, holding hands and talking about our feelings.

10. I then took her to Macaroni Grill for a nice dinner.

11. After dinner, I stood on the table and told everyone in the restaurant how much I loved my wife, then sang her a love song in Italian. Several grown men cried from the sheer beauty and emotion of my singing.

12. Next up was a quick drive home, where I tucked her in, cuddled with her, rubbed her back, stroked her hair and whispered tender love messages to her as she once again drifted off to dreamland.

Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Coolest snow machine EVER

First off, this video is ten minutes long, so I don't expect you to watch it all. There, you're off the hook. I, however, have watched this. Twice. And it's so freaking cool I want to build something like it ASAP.

I just realized there are about ten things I want to build, all of the manly, most of them kind of dumb. I should make a list of them one of these days...

More manly engineering

Love your old motorcycle, but disappointed that you can't ride it on the water? Problem solved. I can't find a video of it actually moving, but if it works as good as it looks then there shouldn't be any issues, right?

Monday, February 9, 2009

Just got back from labor class

Now that my Beautiful Southern Wife™ is heading into her 7th trimester (or so it seems to me) we've been doing the pre-delivery classes. The first one we did was "Labor Basics", where we learned the do's and don'ts of a hospital delivery, such as:

pack a bag filled with everything you'll need for your hospital stay.

Don't fill that bag with with earplugs and motorcycle magazines for yourself.

Do position yourself so you can help the mother and be supportive.

Don't push the doctor out of the way while yelling, "I got this one, college boy!"

I could go on, but you get the drift- Don't do anything that might upset the expectant mother, or anything that might be fun. The second class was on breastfeeding, which I didn't attend, because, as I explained to my wife, that doesn't seem like a skill I'm really going to need. Turns out I was the only husband who didn't attend, so apparently I was a little off base on that one.

Tonight's class was "Comfort Measures", which covered breathing techniques and described the various drugs the mother can take during the labor and delivery. To start the class the instructor asked if anyone had been having trouble sleeping. I said no, that I was sleeping like a rock, but apparently the instructor was talking mainly to the pregnant women.

Sometimes it seems like this whole pregnancy is just all about the woman. It's sexist, I tell you. Anyway, to summarize tonight's class:

1. When contractions start, breath slowly.

2. When contractions get worse, breath faster.

3. When it really hurts, breath as fast as you can, while making this sound: "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or something like that, I didn't take notes. There's only one class left, then we're certified to become parents. I hope we pass- I'd hate to have to have my wife be forced into overtime!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Gas prices, part two

Look, I know that gas is WAY cheaper than it was a year ago, and that's all well and good, but here in Montana it has gone up 30 cents in the past three weeks, while the price of crude oil has continued to go down.

Who can tell me why this is? Yep, that's right, because they can.

So I've decided if the gas and oil companies can decide to rip people off when the weather warms up so can I. Starting today I have raised the prices of small candles to $598.99, medium candles to $923.99, and large candles will now set you back $28,699.99.

Oh, wait, no I'm not. Because I don't suck, unlike gas companies.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Miss Manners

This is an honest to God Miss Manners cartoon. I'm going to memorize this line and say it to people at work for no good reason.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

My Superbowl thoughts

As a life-long Steeler fan I am, of course, thrilled that they won the Superbowl. They had the hardest schedule in the NFL this year, and had an absolutely amazing season. Congratulations to all involved, including the Cardinals, who played a fantastic game.

I watched the game at my dad's house with my family. We all met there for one reason- To enjoy the company of my loving family and share the joy of a big event; to build memories that would last a lifetime.

Just kidding. He has the biggest TV, so it was a no-brainer. My television, by the way, is a manly, manly piece of audio/video equipment... The screen measures a GIGANTIC 27 inches, and it features low definition, mono sound, and several dents. Seriously.

Anyhoo, here's a quick summation of my emotions during the game:

1. Yay!

2. Yay!

3. Damn!


5. Halftime.

6. Yay!

7. Damn!

8. Damn!

9. Double Damn!

10. Oh Lord we're behind, I need to go lie down. I'm so very sad.


12. Terror that Kurt Warner would break my heart

13. It's over, I'm exhausted.

That was a great game. I'm tired just thinking about it. Oh, and that Doritos crystal ball commercial made coke come out my nose. Awesome.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Manly Man of the Week

I usually try to stay away from writing about politics- It's never good business to alienate half of your customers, and I think there are more than enough places on the web where you can read about politics if you want to. Today, though, I'm going to make an exception, and make President Barack Obama the Manly Man of the Week.

By the way, if any politician is reading this, I need to talk to you about my "Manly Man Candle Bailout Program" idea. I promise I won't buy a $50 million jet with my bailout money, and I won't ask for more after I get my initial 3 billion dollars.

I suggest that you check out the White House Website, too. Amazing stuff on there.