Thursday, May 8, 2008

1974 Pontiac Bonneville

This car has been the main topic of discussion at Manly Man Candle Company headquarters for the past couple of days. The beautiful green luxury car you see above is a 1974 Pontiac Bonneville, formerly owned by my great uncle, who purchased it new and drove it for many, many years. It is now owned by my brother, and I have recently driven it.

Time for the review!


If you don't have time for the whole review, then here's the short version: This car is TWISTED STEEL AND SEX APPEAL.

They don't make cars like this anymore.


Here's a list of features:

1. Power door locks
2. Air conditioning
3. Gigantic white leather bench seats (seats 12 comfortably, 6 up front, 6 in the back)
4. Energy saving roll up windows (Save the environment, roll up your own windows!)
5. Super sticky steering wheel
6. AM radio (with one speaker, for authentic mono sound!)
7. At least one working headlight!
8. Tilt steering wheel
9. Cruise control!
10. Headlight dimmer switch on the floor! That's old school, people!

I could go on and on. Modern cars can't match these features!

INTERIOR FEATURES SCORE- 10/10


One look at the picture an you can tell this is a true beauty. A real beauty, not like today's botoxed and implanted "supermodels". Just look at some of the details:

1. Vast, ocean-liner size. Lots and lots and lots of interior room.
2. A trunk you could put a Volkswagen in.
3. Amazing sea green color. It must have taken 68 gallons of paint for this thing.
4. One missing piece of trim, just so you know it's not a trailer queen.
5. Gas tank that fills up from behind the rear license plate. It doesn't matter which side of the pump you're on! Brilliant!

EXTERIOR DESIGN SCORE- 10/10


Pontiac has always been GM's "performance division", and the 1974 Bonneville may very well have been the peak of performance for the company. With a 400 cubic inch motor and a sweet three speed transmission there's no lack of performance here. Just stop every couple hundred of miles to throw a full size dinosaur in the tank, and you're in business!

Oh, and she rides like a boat on the smoothest of oceans, too. And corners like a laser beam.

PERFORMANCE AND RIDE SCORE- 10/10


They see me rollin'. They hatin'. I personally know that about two people who read this will understand that. Anyway, here's the deal- You will look cool in this car.

Just get a purple hat and a big, big feather for it. And a cape. And a cane. Maybe some gold teeth.

PIMP FACTOR- 1,000,000 / 1,000,000


There you have it. The final score for this car is 1,000,030 out of a possible 10. That's amazing! No, it's not for sale. I'm giving it to my daughter as her first car.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I bet your daughter is just gonna "love" her first car!

dark1 said...

She sees you rollin', she's hatin'... that's what's gonna happen if you try to give her that car--correction, that tank. I do like your descriptions. Handles like an oceanliner and corners like a laser beam... LOL! ...that's awesome.

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