Wednesday, April 30, 2008

America is getting so damn wimpy

I'm not an old man yet, but I swear that I am already getting sick of kids these days. Cell phones glued to their ears, always logged into MySpace, you get the picture. IN MY DAY, we didn't have Wiis, PSPs, cell phones, MySpace, FaceBook, or any of that crap. We had to make do.

We only had Atari 2600s, Vic-20s, and maybe, if you were lucky, you could get onto a BBS to see some ASCII "art". I swear that we lived in the dark ages.

The picture above makes my point perfectly. What is that on the dad's shirt, a pie?

Alien Life

Crop circles rock. Do a Google search for that term and you will be dazzled with some absolutely amazing geometric shapes. Watch the movie "Signs". Talk to an Iowa corn farmer. Oh, there are aliens.

The thing that amazes me is that some people don't believe in aliens. It's a big universe, after all, and it seems kind of egocentric to think that we're the only planet with cells smart enough to crawl out of the primordial ooze. Just because they haven't popped down and said hi yet doesn't mean they're not there, it just means that they haven't had a chance. Or they hate us, what do I know?

It's also possible that they're just at the same point in evolution that we are and they don't have the technology to get to other star systems. Or, perhaps they're already here, which would explain Oprah.

One thing's for sure, though. Aliens LOVE manly candles!

Life's Hurdles

I swear that sometimes I feel like this guy.

But here's the thing. Some people would look at this picture and see failure. They might see someone who has every reason in the world to quit. But that's not manly.

This guy is manly. He's playing by his own rules. The other kids are sheep- They see a hurdle and they jump over it, just like "The Man" tells them too. Not this kid. He sees a hurdle and knocks it the hell over. I'm going to vow to be more like this guy. So, here's to you, Mr. Kick Ass Hurdler. Here's to you.

Friday, April 25, 2008

More random pictures!

A few more images from the hard drive... Lucky you!

This guy has great facial hair, obviously. Any facial hair that requires support struts to be attached to your hat is great hair. The great part is his CHEST HAIR. Good Lord this guy is manly.

I've had a few dreams like this. This refrigerator is so awesome that it hurts my soul to look at it. In other news, I had a Moose Drool last night, and it was great.

I find this amusing, but remember, there's no humor in traffic accidents. Unless it's a comedian running into a tiny car filled with clowns. Then it's hysterical.

So cool.

Okay, I'm trying to convince my dad to help me make one of these.
Or four of them to put on his Volkswagen Bug.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Random Pictures From My Hard Drive

Mac OS X.5 (Leopard, for all you geeks) has a cool little feature built into the Finder. Simply click a button called "All Images" and it will show you every single picture that lives on your computer. This is... Interesting.

See, it searches everything. Email attachments from years ago, folders that you've forgotten about, things that should have been deleted- Everything.

Today you get a treat! Here are a few of the over ten thousand images it found on my Mac this morning.

It's not easy to bee a dog.
Awesome grill that looks like a V-8 motor.
My kind of computer, except the beer is too light.
Is there anything duct tape can't do?
I'm always getting pictures like this.
This just supports my belief that all cats are evil.
I probably have 100 of these motivational posters.
Some of the images are pornographic, like this peep show.
Don't mess with his nuts!
Yeah, more porn.

More to come as the years go by. Keep sending me this madness so I can keep posting it.


So I drove my lovely young wife into work this morning so I could get some work done on the car. Normally I'm so manly that I'll just do the work myself, but let's face it- It's cold out and I'm lazy.

So, $110 dollars later the car is full of gas, fresh oil, new filters, vacuumed, shaved, showered and gift-wrapped. This reminds me of a conversation that I had with my family last night. We were driving around the gravel roads where I grew up, seeing the sights, when I mentioned that I would always drive over this big hill and hit the gas to speed down the other side. My wife then said that I shouldn't say things like that with our daughter in the car, because she'll be driving by herself soon and we want her to be careful.

I suggested that girls (and women) simply don't have the same idiotic tendencies that boys (and full grown men) do. Why is that? Is testosterone the drug that makes us all think we're stuntmen? And why is blowing stuff up so cool? And why does Motorhead rock so hard?

Anyway, I doubt you'd see a girl in the picture above. They're a little too... smart for that.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Pick Up Lines

People tell me that I'm "lucky at love". That's a nice way of saying that chicks dig me. I don't know why that is, but sometimes it's a curse! Listen, all of you hot sexy women, sometimes I just don't want to be treated like a sex object!!!

I've assembles this handy guide to help my "brothers from other mothers" get the girls of their dreams. Furthermore, I've divided them up into categories so you can use the appropriate pick up line on the right type of woman- Nothing is more embarrassing than going with a money line when you should have done something a little more... geek. This is the product of literally MINUTES of exhaustive research, so enjoy!

The Line That Works On All Women In General:

1. You know, inheriting $100 million doesn't mean much when you've only got six weeks to live.

Lines That Work On Mentally Ill Women:

1. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

2. Promise me that you won't cook my rabbit.

Lines For Geeky Women:

1. Your place or my Mom's?

2. If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.

3. You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.

4. If you were a phaser you'd be set on "stunning"!

Lines That Just Won't Work:

1. So, do you like fat guys with no money?

2. It'll be really quick and you won't feel a thing.

3. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your shirt in a public place.

Lines That Are So Bad They Just Might Work:

1. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

2. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

3. Does this rag smell like chloroform?

Anyway, report back and let me know how it goes. Good luck, men.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Duct Tape Bandages

My wife just got a package from her mom in the mail. The girls of the house got earrings and bracelets, but I scored the true prizes: A Gorilla Glue baseball cap and what you see in the picture above: Duct Tape bandages.

I'm always on the lookout for manly items (feel free to tell me about something you've found), but this one really pushed all my buttons. I mean, come on... It's duct tape! And there's a picture of a hammer on it! All manly advertising or branding should include a picture of a hammer. I'm in the process of redesigning the Manly Man Candle Company logos right now! Okay, not really.

There was a time when we tried to make the candle labels look like a piece of duct tape with Sharpie writing on it, but it was too hard to make it look realistic. Yes, I'm serious!

Long story short, a couple of days ago I cut my hand up working on my motorcycle (how manly!). Did I use one of these bandages? No. The wounds were too small. I'm saving these for real emergencies- Because you can always count on duct tape.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Some songs on my iPod... Sigh...

Okay, I was just looking around my iTunes library. You would think that someone as manly as me would only have the manliest songs to listen to. Sadly, no. Over the past ten years I've collected an amazingly diverse pile of music, all legally acquired, of course. Here's a list of ten of the most embarrassing songs I have:

1. Wilson Phillips, You're In Love

2. William Hung, She Bangs (Remix)

3. Wham!, Credit Card Baby

4. Village People, All Of Their Stuff

5. Tatu, All The Things She Said

6. Tag Team, Whoop, There It Is

7. Selena, Bidi Bidi Bom Bom

8. Rick Dees, Disco Duck

9. Pinky And The Brain, Theme Song

10. Neil Diamond, Forever In Blue Jeans

You know what? I could have made this a top FIFTY list. Why don't I ever delete anything? A have a terabyte of disk space filled with crap. I have CD-ROMs from the early 90s that were designed for Mac OS 7.5... Can't throw those away! It's a sickness.

So tell me, what's your most embarrassing song? Did I mention that I have three Liberace songs?

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Top Gear!

Sometimes you see people and you think, "Man, I wish I had that job!" I've thought that several times. First when I was six and saw the Shriner's drive their little cars around in the parade, then later when I was sixteen and learned that the Hawaiian Tropics girls hired someone to put suntan lotion on them. If only there was a way to put the lotion on the girls while driving the little cars around.. HEAVEN!

Oh, and if my wife is reading this, I am, of course, kidding, and I love you. That last part was just to get more hits so I can sell more candles. Then, naturally, I'll take the money and buy you something nice!

Back to the show. Top Gear is the best thing on British television, right up there with Doctor Who. You're really a nerd if you know what Doctor Who is, by the way. Anyway, Top Gear is a show all about cars, but they do crazy things with them. Like race them against military jets, or try to make everyday cars amphibious and drive (and float) them from France to England. They have celebrities come on the show and drive laps around their test track, and compare their times against all the other celebrities. Most of the time I don't even know who the celebrities are, because they're British. The best part of the show, though, is that the three hosts are true MEN. They're not afraid to do crazy things and almost die, which pretty much defines MANLY.

Here's my case in point: One of the hosts is driving a jet powered car on an airport runway, gets a flat tire, and crashes at well over two hundred miles per hour. He's fine now, but man, that's awesome. Give it a watch, then tell me if you would do it.

I would.

So what is a Manly Pet?

Looking at my girly pets really made me think about what constitutes a "manly" pet. I mean, seriously- My wife's mini-pinscher (who is a girl, of course) learned to pee from watching a boy dog, so she sort of squats and yet still hikes a back leg up when she waters the lawn. Sure, it's hilarious, but not manly. Last night I spent some time thinking about what I could get that would match the insane levels of manliness that I possess, and here it is, presented in a handy list form.

1. The lion pictured above.

2. A live wild grizzly bear. With rabies and a bad attitude.

3. A colorful African parrot (Note: This only works if I have a pegleg and an eyepatch.)

4. A hybrid wolf/dog crossbreed that always carried a crossbow across his back.

5. Princess Leia, in the outfit she was in when she was Jabba the Hut's slave.

6. An angry cobra, on a leash. He's angry because everyone keeps making fun of his lisp. Snake kids can be so cruel!

7. A swarm of killer bees that answer only to me, and leave a trail of destruction (and delicious honey) in our wake.

8. Robotic chickens with a penchant for evil pecking.

So, as you can see, a manly pet is something that's unusual and dangerous. None of the above pets are "yappy", except for perhaps number five. I need two more to make a top ten list, so your comments are appreciated!

Oh, and buy a manly candle.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Manly Pets

So as you already know, Rambo, the company frog, has moved on to warmer climates. And don't worry about his afterlife, because as Walt Disney says, all frogs go to heaven.

Frog heaven is always 88 degrees, humid, full of crickets, and man, you should see the girl frogs. HOT!!!!!!

Events like this always make people take stock of where they are in life. Am I happy? Are my goals being met? What will I have for lunch? Where did I leave my iPod? Questions like this have been streaming across my synapses for the past week or two. The latest question is a big one- Should Rambo be replaced, or should we just cherish the memory?

Now I have to admit the pets we have are... embarrassing. A mini-pinscher and a mini-schnauzer currently run around the house and cause trouble. Sadly, any dog whose name starts with "mini" is NOT going to be a manly dog. That's just an unwritten rule. You never hear about "mini-pit bulls" or "mini-German Shepherds". There's no "mini-cobra" or "mini-shark".

And now I have to tell you that I also have two female Guinea Pigs. I swear the pets that fill this house have more estrogen in them than a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader tryout session.

It's time to get a manly pet. I don't know what yet, but it will be MANLY. Stay tuned.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Gas Prices

Everybody's complaining about this, so why not me. Living in Montana means that you're going to be driving a lot no matter what you want to do. I live 20 miles away from the nearest McDonald's for heaven's sake! That means that a five dollar value meal costs me five dollars plus the price of two gallons of gas.

Sure, I'm going broke, but my cholesterol is lower than it's been in YEARS!

Anyway, it just cost my wife over $50 to fill up her Saturn Vue. Good Lord. This means that it's time for me to start work on my new alternative fuel car. I've been designing it in my head for a year now, but I still can't decide whether or not I want it to run on candle wax or pure testosterone. I have a lot of both. A LOT.

Oh, buy a candle. I need the $$$ to fund my research and development.

Manly Man of the Week

This is a particularly sad edition of Manly Man of the Week. The Manly Man family recently suffered a loss. Our mascot, Rambo the Pac Man Frog, has hopped on to the great big cricket-filled dirt and moss pile in the sky.

Rambo was a good frog, and he lived a nice long frog life. He was there when the company was founded, and sat through many, many, many insane brainstorming sessions. He was there when one of the founders wrote "You know that look women get in their eyes when they want to make love? Me neither." on his office white board. Rambo lived by the words "A stranger is just a friend you haven't met yet."

Rambo was an active frog. Some days he would actually move out of the dirt hole he would dig! Other days, when he was full of vim and vigor, he would chase a cricket around his tank. Always up for exercise, he must have moved hundreds of inches during his life.

So now we say goodbye to Rambo. He will be missed. We are now on the lookout for a new mascot for the company, and suggestions are, of course, appreciated.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Bawls Energy Drink

So I got an email saying that Diet Coke isn't a manly drink. Sure, I'll admit that Diet Coke isn't as manly as drinking pure gasoline from a half empty Manly Man Candle tin, but it certainly isn't girly. And besides, it sure does a nice job of keeping the cellulite from showing on my thighs! (That was sarcasm. My thighs look like they've been carved from pure granite. Seriously.)

Anyway, the email suggested that I take a look at the product pictured above, Bawls Energy Drink. Mmmmmm.....

Okay, I'm not sure the fine people at Bawls Energy Drink really thought this one through while naming their product. This is the perfect drink for you if you can look in a mirror and say, "Man, I sure could go for a stiff drink of Bawls right now!"

Game over. I'll stick with Diet Coke, thanks.

Carrie Underwood

So I just heard that Carrie Underwood is a closet Trekkie. And no, I don't want to get into whether Trekkies really want to be called "Trekkers". Frankly, I don't care. I have to be politically correct about everything else, but darn it, they'll always be Trekkies to me. Anyway, she's one of them. And she says that she wants to go to a Star Trek convention, but nobody will take her. Yeah.

Why is it that Trekkies get all the hot women these days? In the old days it used to be that jocks got the cheerleaders, but now you can't shoot a phaser down the Jefferies Tube without hitting a beautiful supermodel trying to get with a Trekkie. Why are Trekkies so irresistible to women? I've made a list of possible reasons.

1. Women are attracted to men in (Starfleet) uniforms.

2. They always fall for the line "Wanna pet my Tribble?".

3. Girls can't get enough of the "Prime Directive".

4. Enough Romulan Ale and women will fall for anyone.

5. Two words- William Shatner.

See? I could go on and on, but it's plain to see that Trekkies are like coffee and chocolate to women- IRRESISTIBLE. Oh, and Carrie, I can't take you to a convention, I'm happily married, but I have the PERFECT man for you. Call me!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Downloadable Smells

First off, congrats to the Tennessee Lady Volunteers!

Today I'd like to point you all in the direction of a new invention that could possibly change the world, and, more importantly, increase my sales. It's new, it's innovative, and it's Japanese (of course).

Downloadable smells. That's right, you heard me. A customer in Australia could click on a great site like
Manly Man Candle Company and actually smell the scents instead of just imagining how awesome they might be by reading the hilariously accurate descriptions.

If you read
this article you'll see that right now it works over cell phones, and that it's amazing. But why stop with just downloadable smells? Let's make the internet a truly immersive experience- Let's do all the senses! We have sight and smell and hearing covered right now, let's get to work on the rest. I want to be able to taste the things I see on my screen! I want to TOUCH them!

On second thought, candle sales might really slip if people were able to touch the things they could see on their screens. Maybe we'd better stay right where we are.

Monday, April 7, 2008

The NCAA Men's Championship

I just spent the last three hours watching Kansas become the NCAA Men's Basketball champions. Congrats to all of you Jayhawks fans. Both of you.

Did anyone see the three pointer to tie the game at the end of regulation? Nice job, random kid from Kansas. You'll be telling anyone who'll listen about that shot for the rest of your life. People will come up to you and say, "Aren't you the guy who..." and you won't even listen to the rest of the sentence before you say, "Yes. Yes I am."

Anyway, great job Kansas. Thanks to Memphis falling into a coma for the last two minutes of the game you're the champs. And that's very manly.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Manly Man of the Week

The very first Manly Man of the Week award goes to the guy who built this beautiful machine. Let's examine the picture a bit, shall we?

The first thing everyone notices are the big tires. Sure, they're nice, go ahead and ogle them. I'm pretty sure that this guy just bolted the car body onto a truck frame, and trust me, that's awesome. In fact, I dare say that's MANLY. However, the devil's in the details.

Giant chrome bumper/grill guard? Check.

Humongous tube cargo rack on the roof? Check.

Bright yellow lettering on the side? Check.

American flag and POW/MIA flag? Check and Check.

Listen, I know that gas is about $3.30 a gallon here in Montana now. I also know that this thing probably gets about 2 miles a gallon (less with the cargo rack full). I also know that I want this thing so badly it hurts, and I also know that whoever created this fine piece of American iron is this week's MANLY MAN OF THE WEEK.

You're welcome.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Watching TV With Women

Desperate Housewives. Grey's Anatomy. The Biggest Loser. Wife Swap. American Idol. Sigh...

There was a time when these shows were almost unknown to me. Sure, I'd seen the commercials for them while I was watching something manly, but I didn't know all of crap I know now. Let me enlighten you: There was a tornado in Desperate Housewives, McDreamy and McSteamy and McAlex are saving lives and seducing women in Grey's Anatomy, chunky people are running and sweating and getting weighed on The Biggest Loser and "Muffy" from the upper west side of Manhattan has been swapped with "LeQuisha" from South Central Los Angeles, and guess what, they're not getting along with their new families.

See, I used to be the classic ESPN guy. Sportscenter seven times a day? Yep. Oh, and yes, I know it's the same show just being repeated over and over, and no, I don't care. Motorcycle racing on TV? Boom, I'm there. Trucks on SpikeTV? Turn it up. Lumberjacks cutting stuff up with 454 cubic inch nitro-fueled chainsaws? TURN IT UP.

Well, I still get to watch some of those manly shows when the wife's asleep. But if anybody needs to get an update on what happened on Dancing with the Stars just drop me a line.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

The Company Slogan

Coke was "The Real Thing". Apple had "Think Different". Microsoft's is "Bend Over".

A company's slogan is of paramount importance to its success! We've been hard at work coming up with a slogan that conveys the true spirit of the Manly Man Candle Company.
Please choose your favorite, or come up with your own in the comments! Keep it relatively clean, Cletus, I have family who reads this. Namely my Southern Baptist wife...

1. More effective than the Spanish Fly.

2. Now 100% Y2K compliant.

3. A burning scentsation no pill can cure.

4. For external use only.

5. No, we won't make a fart scented candle. Stop asking.

6. Our gasoline scented candles keep exploding!

7. If you don't like these candles, you don't like America.

8. More fun than a barrel full of rabid, bloody monkeys.

9. Now 99% Plutonium free!

10. These candles rock and roll all night, and party ev-er-y day.

Are any of you manly enough to come up with your own slogan? Bring it, Sally!

Space Travel

Space. The final frontier.

Before we even get started- This is NOT the post about whether or not Trekkies can be manly. That post will come, but this is not it.

No, this post is about the amazing men (and also some very manly women) who strap themselves to giant tubes of explosives so they can go on an eight and a half minute ride straight up. Men like Buzz Aldrin (a personal hero), John Glenn, and many others who have taken the ultimate joyride.

Speaking of Buzz Aldrin, this guy is probably the Manliest Man in the world. Sure, everybody knows that he and Neil were the first two men to ever walk on the moon, but what a lot of people don't know is that YOU DON'T MESS WITH BUZZ. See, a lot of freaks don't think that humans were manly enough to fly to the moon, and the whole thing was a giant hoax. Whatever. There was one guy who was, I believe, trying to make a movie that would prove that the moon landings were faked, and he kept following the original astronauts around, badgering them, trying to get them admit that everything was a lie. Well, this loser tries to do that to Buzz
, but Buzz teaches him a valuable lesson: YOU DON'T MESS WITH BUZZ.

Here's the video:

I had to log in to watch it, but trust me, it's worth it. Buzz is about 70 when he knocks that loser out with one punch. May I be half the man that Buzz Aldrin is. Oh, and a disclaimer- All comments on the youtube page were written by 13 year olds with Tourette's Syndrome.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

In the beginning...

Ah, the first post of a brand new blog. It's like a freshly opened beer, isn't it? So full of possibilities, and still, you know it's going to end up in the toilet.

This will be where the staff of Manly Man Candle Company will share their manliest, most rugged, most chest hair filled ideas they can think of. Topics such as body hair, trucks, sharks, spaceships and much more will all be discussed. Comments will be left. Some comments could very well be "girly". We will mock them.

Tomorrow's topic? The space program. Get ready for liftoff, and welcome.