Thursday, May 29, 2008

Indiana Jones

I'm basically going to take an intellectual break today. I'm just going to do another list, but this one is easy pickings- Alternate names for the new Indiana Jones movie. I saw it over the weekend, and to be honest it was pretty good.

1. Indiana Jones and the Quest for Regular Bowel Movements

2. Indiana Jones and Cate Blanchett Looking Her Worst Ever

3. Indiana Jones Gets a Pacemaker

4. Illinois Jones Looks for his Brother (Okay, that one was dumb.)

5. Indiana Jones Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Wasn't For All You Meddling Kids

6. Indiana Jones and the Insolent Teen Who Wouldn't Get Off His Lawn

7. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Script

8. Indiana Jones and the Hunt for the Manliest Candle

See? Quick, easy, and now I'm done for the day!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The Phoenix has landed

The Phoenix Lander has spent the last ten months flying to Mars, and a couple of days ago it, well, landed. The mission is to boldly go where no man has gone before and dig up the dirt.

That's right, we spent millions of dollars sending a toy truck to Mars.

I know what you're thinking. Last time I was complaining about how we haven't done anything cool lately, and now I'm complaining that this isn't cool enough. Well guess what, skippy, it isn't.

I watched the Nasa channel while the Phoenix was landing. It was exciting- You could practically feel the nerdgasm that was going on in mission control. Then I started doing a little research.

July 20, 1976. That's when we did this for the first time with the Viking Lander. It did pretty much the same thing in the same way. Remember, 1976 was before the Apple II computer, way before the PC, eight years before the first Mac, and it was THIRTY TWO YEARS AGO.

So way to go, Nasa. You've repeated a mission that your fathers did in their generation.

Sure, it's neat to run a remote control car from millions of miles away. Hey, it's neat to fly my little remote controlled helicopter around my living room, too. What Nasa is doing is basically the same thing, just on a grander scale. You wanna impress me? SEND A PERSON THERE. Robots don't impress people, unless they're the Impressbot 3007, which was specifically designed to impress people.

Long story short, we should have been living on the moon 20 years ago, and walking on Mars at least 15 years ago.

But anyway, cool picture from Mars.

Apparently Blogger duped my post

So the double post has been replaced with this lovely image for Blogger. Or for my internet connection, which is a string hooked to a tin can hooked to a Vic 20 server running a cassette tape for a storage device. Either way, epic fail.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Things I want invented IMMEDIATELY

So yesterday I complained about the lack of progress over the last thirty years. What? You didn't read yesterday's post? Go ahead and read it, it's brilliant. You know what? Go read and re-read everything on this blog- It's ALL brilliant.

Some recent inventions have been less than revolutionary. The George Foreman Grill, for example. Sure, it cooks a mean hamburger and drains all of the fat off, but it doesn't lower my gas bill one red cent. So, with no further ado, here's my list of things I need immediately, if not sooner.

1. The flying car. This has been promised for over 60 years, and still nothing practical is flying around. Come on, people!

2. Laser guns. Phasers, lasers, or any type of gun that shoots a visible beam of light and makes people either smoke or disappear. I know some people that could use a blasting.

3. Clones. Sure we've cloned goats, but I can't train a cloned goat to ship out candles or go clothes shopping with my wife. Let's get with it, science!

4. Speaking of genetics, I want a dog that doesn't shed, is always a puppy, and doesn't require food or bathroom breaks.

See what I mean? I see no reason why my clone can't take my wife and genetically engineered laser gun packing dog for a ride in my free flying car right now. Which would leave me free to stay home and watch ESPN. Again.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Where's my flying car?

Last weekend I had the pleasure of touring an underground missile silo as part of an Air Force open house. It wasn't a real "operational" silo, it was a training version, but it was identical to the hundreds of genuine Minuteman Missile launch silos littered throughout Central Montana. It was neat, but I couldn't help but think how old everything looked. It looked like a science fiction set from the 50s.

Notice anything unusual in the picture above? Ignore the fact that it says "Secret/Crypto" on it and they completely let me take pictures of it. Look at the DATE. August 1971. Sigh.

Does it bother anyone else that a large part of America's nuclear deterrent is running off of 60s technology? Don't get me wrong, I'm no idiot (except when it comes to warming up cheese in the microwave), but it seems to me that we're not as up to date as we should be. So I did a little research on when various things were created.

1. F-15 fighter: First flight- 1972

2. F-16 fighter: 1975

3. A-10 Thunderbolt- 1972

4. M-1 Abrams main battle tank: 1980

5. M-16 rifle: 1964

6. B-52 Bomber: 1952!!!!

7. AH-64 Apache: 1982

8. Space Shuttle: First launch was in 1981

9. Electric Car: 1832!

I could go on and on. Certainly some of these creations have been updated over the years, thanks to computer technology. The B-52 that flies today may look the same as the one that first flew 56 years ago, but it's a much improved beast. But by the same token, the space shuttle that blasted off 27 YEARS ago is very similar to the one that just took off a couple of months ago. Of course they have the same capabilities! The 2008 version can't go to the moon, Mars, or anywhere besides Earth orbit, just the same as the 1981 model.

This saddens me. It seems that people worked their asses off from 1800 to 1980, then we just stopped. I'm just as (probably more) guilty as most people when it comes to being happy with what I have. Is this what happened to the entire world?

Well, I can't stand for it. I'm leading the way in Manly Man Candle Manufacturing, but I'm only one man. Tomorrow I'll give you all a list of inventions that I want to see built, and it's time for you to get cracking.

I am NOT Emeril.

I have many skills, but cooking is apparently not one of them. Last night I was creating a Mexican dish I invented all on my own. I call it "nachos", and it's delicious. I was warming up my secret ingredient (no, I can't tell you what it is) when a loud bang came from the microwave.


Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Newsflash: Yardwork sucks.

I just spent (wasted?) my morning doing yardwork. Many hours mowing the lawn has convinced me that this is a waste of my precious time. After all, if I do a great job and really take care of the lawn what do I get? That's right, I get to do it all over again. Yahoo.

The guy in the picture above has the right idea. He took some of the monotony out of doing his yardwork by making it a little more entertaining. He made his lawnmower into a tank. It would be even cooler if you could spray weeds out of the barrel. A lawnmower shaped like a dump truck would be cool, the grass clippings could all go into the bed and you could dump them where ever you wanted them. Anything to make it slightly more interesting!

A better option would be to just put in astroturf and be done with it. Buy a couple hundred yardwork candles for that delightful summer scent, and you suddenly have your weekends free, zippy!

Oh, you're welcome.

Role Models

Many years ago Charles Barkley told the world that he wasn't a role model. This is probably the smartest thing that Charles Barkley has ever said. I do enjoy his commercials for whatever cell phone company he shills for, though, just as I enjoy his weight gain over the years.

So, if our children can't look to Sir Charles as a role model, who can they look to? The obvious choice would be their parents, of course, but years of teaching has shown me that they are very often not "inspirational" enough. I, unsurprisingly, have a few suggestions for who our children should look to.

1. Me. As a Captain of Industry, I keep America moving. You're welcome.

2. Dogs. Most dogs are loyal, friendly, patient and kind. Good examples for us all.

You know what? That's actually enough. Problem solved.

Monday, May 19, 2008

I want to be bionic.

A couple of weeks ago my brother and I were playing football with our women watching, which means that we were both trying to be manlier than normal. I swear that 98.6 percent of all human progress is made because somebody is trying to impress a member of the opposite sex. In fact, history shows us that Oppenheimer and the rest of the gang only worked on the Manhattan Project to try to win the affection of Beatrice Jenkins, a very lovely girl who was impressed by large fireworks.

So anyway, there we are on the football field, and I kick the ball to my brother, who starts running towards me like he's going for a last second touchdown. I, of course, can't let him score on me in front of my woman, so I took him to the ground.

And, unfortunately, he broke a couple of ribs. Whoops.

Now I feel bad. Listening to him huff and puff around the house has made me realize that we will talk about this for the rest of our lives, much like how we still talk about how my brothers got me to spill the beans and tell them what they were getting for Christmas when I was four. Soccer Boppers! Damn older brothers. I still have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from that.

Wouldn't it be great if we could all be bionic? As we get older we could have the parts of us that are failing or broken replaced with high tech "super-parts", and we could get stronger as we get older instead of weaker. Broken ribs? Slap in some titanium alloy replacements. Wrist gets sore from typing? Hello robotic gripper hand and super strength. No more trouble opening bottles! Eyes failing? Borg-ish enhancements should be able to plug right in and give older people hawk-like vision.

Need viagra? Doctors could...

On second thought, maybe I haven't thought this all the way through.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Party Like a Rock Star.

Last weekend my lovely wife and I were out and about for a night on the town. I tend to party like a rock star about once every two or three years, so when I hit the dance floor it tends to make a scene.

And not in a good way.

Oh, I know how to dance. I basically have one move, but it's foolproof, and really used to draw in the ladies back in the day. What I'll do is so simple, so true, so pure that the women are like moths to a flame with this move. I'm not sure I should even share this move with you people, because it's so manly that many of you won't be able to handle it. And, if word of the move gets out to the general population, the resulting population increase would make the baby boomer generation look like a bump in the road.

Oh well, I'll tell you about it. Use at your own risk.

First off, get a table next to the dance floor. Sit there for a while, enjoy a few (more than seven for maximum effect) beers, and watch the dancers. Bob your head, tap your toes. Feel the rhythm. Let the music, as they say, move you. Then, when you've almost finished your last beer, stand up, lift your hands up over head (with beer in one hand, two if you're a pro) and slowly pump them up and down with your palms flat, as if you're holding a pizza.

Now, as loudly as you can, and with GREAT ENTHUSIASM, yell out "IS THIS ROOF TOO LOW??? BECAUSE I'M GONNA RAISE IT!!!!"

Lastly, keep raising your hands up and down in time with the music, and be careful to keep the ladies who are now attacking you a safe distance away.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Women in Science Fiction

As many of you know I'm something of a science fiction fan. I love to see people's visions for the future- Some writers envision a future where technology has taken care of our day to day needs (Roddenberry with Star Trek), some tell a cautionary tale where our own mechanical creations could evolve to the point of us losing control (Asimov in I, Robot) and some foresee a universe full of strange upright big-earred lizard-like creatures that speak with horrible Jamaican accents (thanks for ruining my childhood, George Lucas! You should have killed Jar-Jar in Episode III!)

The best part of science fiction is how women are portrayed. They're all incredible smart, perfectly thin, and scantily clad. There's a guy who has been collecting pictures of all of the Star Trek women for a while now, and he has over 80 of them now. Click to visit his page!

I'm getting to be a big fan of lists on this blog, so here's another one.

How to be a successful female science fiction character:

1. Have an unusual hair style. Buns are preferred but completely bald is acceptable, and somewhat sexy.

2. Be incredibly smart, whether you're the ship's doctor, communications officer, or a planetary senator, but always use your raw sex appeal to get you and your friends out of trouble.

3. Wear tight, tight clothing. You should, no matter your age or job title, have the body of a supermodel and be willing to show it off.

4. You must fall in love with either the captain or the bad boy, no matter how much older or less attractive they are than you.

There you go. Four steps to becoming a great female science fiction character. Oh, there's one more- You must love Manly Man Candles!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Movies I'd Like To See

Quick, name the last three movies you saw. I'll wait.

Hey, you're not doing it. Well, we're not going one step further until you do it.

I'll go first. I've seen Juno, 27 Dresses, and Sad Girl Takes a Risk and Finds True Happiness by Just Being Herself and Look How Pretty She Is. I swear they're gonna take away my man card soon.

Clearly I need to see more manly movies. In fact, I need to go to Hollywood and help create movies that are so manly they can undo the damage of seeing three chick flicks in a row. Here are a few of my ideas so far... Feel free to add your own.

1. Rambo vs. Rocky: Twelve Rounds of Freedom

2. Enterprise vs. Death Star: Winner Takes All

3. 12 Angry Men meet 12 More Angry Men and They Fight and Stuff

4. KILLCYCLE: Vigilante Justice Comes on Two Wheels

5. Everything Explodes Like Crazy For No Reason (Working Title)

6. Full Frontal Nudity (It's like Full Metal Jacket, but it's a boot camp for girls. Bad girls.)

Now those would be some manly movies. The great part is that we men could see them alone- After all, I know a girl who thought that Lord of the Rings was a documentary about the security guard at Tiffany's.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Note to the weather: It's May, stop snowing.

So I woke up this morning, which is always a good thing. As usual, I get up to let the dogs outside so they can chase the birds and water the lawn, and I see snow. SNOW.

Where do I live now, Canada? Is that what it's all aboot, eh? Last May I was still living in Las Vegas, and the temperature there in May is well over 600 degrees. I swear one time a couple of summers ago I was walking on the strip (in front of Caesars' Palace, I think) and it was so hot I saw a tourist just burst into flames. He yelled "I'm on fire, don't you know!" so I guess he was from Minnesota.

Anyway, now it's easy to see why everyone here in Montana has such pasty white skin. It's getting freaking ridiculous.

Friday, May 9, 2008

So apparently I'm the only one...

Who thinks the old Bonneville is awesome. Well, I have one brother who thinks it's cool too, but my wife and daughter are less than impressed. I guess it has to go.

Which is sad. However, I've found some possible replacements for it on the net.

1. The Russian Ural Motorcycle with Sidecar. Yep, they still make them in Russia, and they're imported to the U.S. for our pleasure. Three wheel drive, and you can get them with a machine gun mount!

Forget your CJs, your TJs, your Wranglers, this is the only true Jeep. Doors? Nope. Side windows? Nope. Shovel? Yep.

This is the UniMog. Enough said. I think my daughter would like to dropped off in this, don't you?

An ultralight, amphibious helicopter. I can't imagine anything more dangerous.

The XR650R. The King of Baja. The object of my desire. If anybody wants to trade their XR650R for a semi-cherry 1974 Bonneville, let me know.

So, there you go. Some possible replacements for the Bonnie.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

1974 Pontiac Bonneville

This car has been the main topic of discussion at Manly Man Candle Company headquarters for the past couple of days. The beautiful green luxury car you see above is a 1974 Pontiac Bonneville, formerly owned by my great uncle, who purchased it new and drove it for many, many years. It is now owned by my brother, and I have recently driven it.

Time for the review!

If you don't have time for the whole review, then here's the short version: This car is TWISTED STEEL AND SEX APPEAL.

They don't make cars like this anymore.

Here's a list of features:

1. Power door locks
2. Air conditioning
3. Gigantic white leather bench seats (seats 12 comfortably, 6 up front, 6 in the back)
4. Energy saving roll up windows (Save the environment, roll up your own windows!)
5. Super sticky steering wheel
6. AM radio (with one speaker, for authentic mono sound!)
7. At least one working headlight!
8. Tilt steering wheel
9. Cruise control!
10. Headlight dimmer switch on the floor! That's old school, people!

I could go on and on. Modern cars can't match these features!


One look at the picture an you can tell this is a true beauty. A real beauty, not like today's botoxed and implanted "supermodels". Just look at some of the details:

1. Vast, ocean-liner size. Lots and lots and lots of interior room.
2. A trunk you could put a Volkswagen in.
3. Amazing sea green color. It must have taken 68 gallons of paint for this thing.
4. One missing piece of trim, just so you know it's not a trailer queen.
5. Gas tank that fills up from behind the rear license plate. It doesn't matter which side of the pump you're on! Brilliant!


Pontiac has always been GM's "performance division", and the 1974 Bonneville may very well have been the peak of performance for the company. With a 400 cubic inch motor and a sweet three speed transmission there's no lack of performance here. Just stop every couple hundred of miles to throw a full size dinosaur in the tank, and you're in business!

Oh, and she rides like a boat on the smoothest of oceans, too. And corners like a laser beam.


They see me rollin'. They hatin'. I personally know that about two people who read this will understand that. Anyway, here's the deal- You will look cool in this car.

Just get a purple hat and a big, big feather for it. And a cape. And a cane. Maybe some gold teeth.

PIMP FACTOR- 1,000,000 / 1,000,000

There you have it. The final score for this car is 1,000,030 out of a possible 10. That's amazing! No, it's not for sale. I'm giving it to my daughter as her first car.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008


Tattoos. Personally, I don't have any, yet. To be honest with you, I've never been inside a tattoo parlor, either. I have seen bits and pieces of "L.A. Ink", though, so I feel like I'm an expert on the subject. Here's a rule I've just made up for them.

1. Have someone smarter than you check your spelling before the needle hits the skin.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Manly Man of the Week

You know who this week's Manly Man of the Week is?

Me. I've never been one to really "finish things", or "complete things", or even really "continue to do things", but I have been kicking butt on this blog. Have you seen all of the pointless, incessant rambling I've done on this so far? It's amazing.

The rewarding thing is that I know that this read by literally dozens of people every month. The sheer fact that I'm reaching so many people nearly brings me to tears. Or my tears could be caused by seasonal allergies, who knows.

Anyway, I just want you all to know that I will continue to rock on. I will rock on harder than ever. Or I will rock at a slightly lower level than before. You'll just have to stay tuned.

Monday, May 5, 2008

I Love Hamburgers.

Is there anything better than a nice tasty burger? I could eat them every day of the week.

The end.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Major Shoe Company

So today I got an order from someone who works for a major shoe company. I don't want to name names, but I've got to tell you guys that this is going to be one of my last posts to this blog before my amazing company gets bought out. Okay, obviously I'm smoking crack, but I want all of you major shoe company employees to read this carefully- It's time for you to own your very own Manly Man Candle Company.

Think about it! What a perfect fit! You could give everyone who buys a manly hiking boot a free small "Wild Alaska" candle to remind them of what they should be doing. Or maybe throw in a "Pina Colada" candle with every sandal. What an amazing idea!

Now it's time to talk turkey, major shoe company folks. This buyout would make you BILLIONS of dollars, so my company won't be cheap. Your first offer should be nine digits. Preferably big digits.

I'll wait for your call, except when I'm out shopping for my new Porsche or diamond pinky ring.

Oh, and you should probably hurry, because Starbucks has the idea of giving a free "Coffee Shop" with every latte. At least that's the rumor I'm starting.