Monday, June 30, 2008

Scents people have suggested to me

We've been selling our candles at the local farmer's market lately, and I've got to tell you, it's a rush to meet you fine people, our customers, face to face. You're all quite good looking, educated, and you make brilliant purchasing decisions. Your support is appreciated.

Many of you seem to think that you have ideas for additional candle scents. Sigh. Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for YEARS now, I'm pretty sure I know all of the angles. Here's a list of some of the scents people have suggested to me over the past couple of weeks.

1. Fish

2. Dog poop

3. Dirty socks

4. Gasoline

5. WD-40

6. Farts

7. Sweat

8. Skunk (Do they NOT READ THIS BLOG???)

9. Beer

10. Smoke

But at least the people who suggested those things "get it". They know we're called Manly Man Candle Company for a reason. I've also had people come up to me and ask if we have any candles that smell like roses, babies, sunshine, or love. I'll say no, of course, then they'll follow up by asking for something even more girly, like Cosmopolitans, bras, or rainbows. These people just don't get it. I have to get security to escort them off the premises.

We are, however, introducing a few new scents in the upcoming weeks. They're out of R&D and almost ready for the public. I'll unveil them tomorrow, right here.

Friday, June 27, 2008

My dog's gas smells like skunk


My Peppy Le Problem came back. Apparently my dogs have learning disabilities, because they didn't retain the lesson the skunk left them last time. Yes, they got sprayed again, worse this time. Gizmo, the dog I took camping a while back, took a shot of skunk spray right to the face.

Most of it went in her mouth, which means that she now smells bad inside and out. Last night, after we gave both of them another tomato juice bath, Gizmo decided that it was time to "poot", as Southern girls put it.

I swear to God that we were lucky to have survived it. Normally her "poots" are bad enough to have the house declared a Superfund disaster site, but when she combined her normal scents with the added bonus of skunk spray it was truly hideous. I'm not even exaggerating here. I was going to just burn the house down and cover the ashes in lime, but my wife thought we could save it just by ripping up the carpet and repainting every solid surface.

It was an interesting night. Oh, and we made some candles, too. Please buy them to help pay for my nose reconstruction. Thank you.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Massive pandering for hit, Google style

In my desperate attempt to get more hits I've discovered the Google Zeitgeist 2007. In a nutshell, this is a big list of the top terms people searched for last year. They keep track of everything at Google, which is awesome for historical purposes, but scary if they ever show what individual people search for.

For example, according to Google, one of the most searched for terms today is "Mini me sex tape". That's right, Vern Troyer (Mini Me from the Austin Powers movies) has a sex tape out. That's information I didn't really need to know.

In order to get this site to pop up in the Google results search more frequently, I present this story, based on the most popular search terms of last year.

Anna Nicole Smith quietly sat there, playing Webkinz on her iPhone. Photographers from TMZ, fresh from the premiere of Transformers, took pictures and videos of her. They would later post these pictures and videos to Facebook, MySpace, and YouTube. Even later than that, they would watch Heroes and go to Club Penguin.

There! Now I'm guaranteed a million more hits! I don't know why people think this is hard. It's not rocket science, people.

Spanish TV

Now that Australia is on board with Manly Man Candle Company I feel like it's time to really try to expand the audience. After all, everyone who reads this masterpiece orders a candle, so more people equals more candles sold, right?

See, this is why I'm brilliant. I see things others do not, much like the boy in "The Sixth Sense".

So the picture above is my first attempt to get some more hits. I going after the low hanging fruit here, so to speak, by putting up a picture of a scantily clad Spanish TV hostess. You know what she likes? You know what she CRAVES??? Manly Man Candles. Just like all hot women around the world.

Now, I'm not saying that if you buy a Manly Man Candle you'll have women like this falling at your feet, but it couldn't hurt, right?

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Australia is off the hook

Well, it didn't take long for you Australians to give in to the manliness of Manly Man Candle Company. I checked the stats this morning and there it was, ONE HIT FROM AUSTRALIA.

Thank you. You have redeemed your entire country. I now present two pictures from "The Council of Australians for Uneducated Americans". I swear I didn't make these, I got them off of this site.

So, even though I had hundreds of other things to say about Australia, the entire country has been spared because of one lucky reader.

I've got to tell you, I'm pretty happy that my demands were met after only one post. Now let's get some of you guys to buy some candles!!!

Monday, June 23, 2008

To the political genius at the airport yesterday

I was sitting in the Memphis airport last night waiting for an airplane. It would have been weird to have been sitting in the airport waiting for a bus, so I was waiting for an airplane.

Logical, don't you think? Try to keep up. I know you ignorant Australians are having trouble with this, so I'll type slower.

Anyhoo, this loud and somewhat annoying woman starts talking about the American presidential campaign. And she is talking with authority, because she once ran for public office. I'm not sure if she won, or not, but her campaign for "Supreme Ruler Of All Things Pretentious and Self-Righteous" must have been a doozy.

Look, I have my political views, and they're pretty strong, but I'm not going to bother you by screaming them to you every chance I get. Tell you what- I'll give you credit for making a decision you believe in, and you do the same for me.

Loudly talking about things you don't fully understand just makes you look like an idiot. Please don't do it. Oh, and I'll never change my mind because you heard a rumor on the internet about the guy. If you want me to think about your candidate, tell me something positive about him, not something negative about someone else. I don't care if McCain divorced his first wife. I don't care if Obama's grandma had her picture taken holding a chicken. I'm divorced and I like chicken, so I support both of those platforms.

To sum up, I appreciate your zeal for the process, now shut the hell up about it. The election is a long ways away, and I swear I'll shoot out my TV just like Elvis if I don't get a break from this.

Damn you, Australia!

I swear that nobody in Australia can read. I just checked Google Analytics to see if I'd gotten a single hit from you kangaroo loving criminals and I still haven't. EVERY OTHER CONTINENT (EXCEPT ANTARCTICA) HAS READ THIS BLOG, BUT YOU CROCODILE DUNDEE LOVING FOSTER'S BEER DRINKING AUSSIES HAVEN'T CLICKED ONCE.

It's beginning to make me a little angry. I'm going to start spreading vicious rumors about Australia until I get a hit from your "continent". It's really more of an island, but if it makes you illiterate castoffs happy to call it a continent then fine.

I'm serious, people. This will go on until I get a click from someone down under, where women glow and men plunder. I will issue an apology to all of Australia if someone sends me a picture of themselves in Australia with a picture of a recent newspaper.

But for now, it's on, Australia.

Your pets are doing it wrong

This isn't the best picture in the world, so look closely. The light brown small creature is a dog, and the dark gray monstrosity on the bottom is a cat. When your cat is twice the size of your dog you need to rethink your pet's food rations.

These pets belong to my wife's aunt. I'm going to have to send them some manly candles to make the dog feel better.

Swimsuits, the beach, and you

I just spent a week on the beach, and I've got to tell you, it's been a learning experience. I've learned that I stink at catching fish in the ocean, I've learned that sharing a bathroom with six other people stinks (no pun intended), and I've learned a lot about beach fashion.

Here's a brief synopsis of my findings: Men absolutely DO NOT CARE what they look like on the beach. I saw hundreds of men who looked like they were 78 weeks pregnant walking around in nothing but tight shorts, and they were happy as clams. Most had a beer in their hands, which probably helped. I saw hundreds of women in bikinis, some looked good, some did not.

Here's the deal.

Men, please wear loose fitting swim trunks, no banana hammocks. It's just not cool anymore unless you're French. If your stomach is reasonably flat, feel free to go topless. If you look like you're trying to steal a watermelon you just swallowed, put a tank top on.

Women, the rules for you are a little more complex. I think I'm going to play it safe and not explain your rules, but if you're a woman and you want to know what you should wear for your beach vacation, feel free to email me a few pictures of you (front and rear views, for maximum accuracy) and I'll tell you what would be most appropriate for your beach vacation.

Just kidding, honey! Love you!


Yes, I spelled that right, VACASION. It's a combination of a vacation and an invasion. It occurs when you and a large group of people you're traveling with, usually your family, enter a store, restaurant, or other establishment while on vacation. In restaurants they look at you and sigh, then say, "How many?" For maximum effect the group should have over ten people, several of them babies or young, loud, screaming, messy kids.

You get bonus points if you make the hostess cry.

Here's a checklist so you will know if you're vacasioning:

1. Can your group completely block aisles in gift shops, thereby denying access to all other customers?

2. Can your group's voices drown out anyone else in the store?

3. Do other customers leave the store (or refuse to enter) when they see your group? Bonus points if they tremble in fear.

4. Do you travel in a bus? Must you take several vehicles? Do you have more people in a car than you have seats?

Vacasioning isn't an art, it's an assault. Enjoy this term, please feel free to spread it around.

Oh, and you're welcome.

Time to play catch up

Okay, I need to apologize for the lack of updates. I know that my absence has caused sadness and withdrawal for almost none of you, and that's guilt that will stick with me for minutes, if not less.

But today I will play catch up. I will unleash a flurry of posts that will make your head spin. I will post until my fingers bleed and my brain starts smoking, or until I get bored with it and take a nap, whichever comes first.

The picture you see above is from my vacation. I've actually coined a new term for family vacations that I will introduce you to with my next post- Stay tuned. It's worth it.

We hit the beach for vacation, and I took the picture above while dangling from a parasail. It was great, if you've never done it I highly recommend it. There's nothing like strapping yourself to a boat with a piece of dental floss and hoping that the Kleenex thin sheet of cloth that's keeping you from plunging 600 feet to your death into a shark-infested ocean doesn't spring a death leak.

Honestly, the view was amazing, and it was quite peaceful, except for my amazingly beautiful southern wife screaming right into my ear. "Hold still, you're rocking us! Ahhhhhhhh! Hold STILLLLLLLL!!!!!!!"

Except for that, it was very peaceful. You should definitely try it.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Elvis has left the building

Elvis has left the building, and I was just in Elvis' old building- Graceland.

This is the first post from my vacation, and all I can say is "You're welcome." We got off the plane yesterday and drove straight to Graceland, Elvis' home in Memphis, Tennessee. I thought Graceland would be out in the country a bit, but it's really right in Memphis, surrounded by parasitic gift shops. Many things impressed me about his house, so it's time for a list!

Top ten cool things about Graceland:

10. Everybody writes their names and notes to Elvis on the brick fence that surrounds the area.

9. One word: Jumpsuits. There must have been 50 genuine Elvis jumpsuits on display. You could buy replicas, but they were about $2,000. You people need to buy more candles so I can look like Elvis!!!

8. You can't use a flash inside (don't want to fade the jumpsuits), so all of my pictures have a fuzzy stoned 70s appeal to them.

7. Cars! I saw Elvis' golf car, pink Cadillac, pink Jeep, go cart, motorcycles, and more. Loved it.

6. Awesome TV room with three TVs- Always on, always playing shows from the 70s.

5. The jungle room- The chairs and couches looked like monkeys. I am going to build a jungle room.

4. The shooting range and the racquetball court. So sweet.

3. The Hall of Gold. All of his gold and platinum records are on display. It goes on forever.

2. Elvis' and his parent's grave. He's buried right there at Graceland with his folks and his granny. Lots of people left teddy bears and other trinkets as a memorial.

1. The AWESOME painting you see above: I am going to have a painting of me just like this one someday.

Elvis bought Graceland for $100,000 when he was 22 years old. I wonder what getting super rich so young must have been like for him... I'm willing to learn, even though I'm not that young anymore. Buy a candle, and I'll let you know.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Manly Vacation Time

It's that time of year. Being married to a southern girl means that you stop cussing, start saying "what?" a lot, and once a year go to Gulf Shores for a vacation with her family.

And so later today I'll strap into a big aluminum tube and go blasting across the country on my way to the beach. I don't want to sound like I'm not excited, because I am. I am worried, though, because even though I am 6'3", 190 pounds, and have muscles like a Greek god, I hate prancing around in front of everyone showing off my manly physique. It's almost like bragging every time I take off my shirt, and I'm not a bragger.

Just because I can do 750 sit-ups while I munch down a glass of raw eggs... Just because I can do more pushups than any six bodybuilders... That doesn't mean that I want to show it all off. I'm not one to "show off", as you can probably tell.

So, next week I'll be fighting off the girls who simply can't resist what has been referred to as "The Ultimate Human Male Body Of All Time, Past, Present And Future". It won't be easy for me, so keep me in your thoughts.

Oh, and keep on ordering those candles. The shipping department is still at work, even though I'll be, as we've discussed, on the beach getting ogled by girls of all ages. It's not easy.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The Golden Girls

Worldwide Gas Prices

Gas prices, of course, have been skyrocketing lately. Wow, big news, right? That's why I'm here. I want to tell you things you already know. Tune in tomorrow for some more breaking news- People in Spain speak Spanish!

I found this interesting graph yesterday while searching the web for the latest candle technology trends. It's interesting, because while we Americans mostly think about ourselves, the rest of the world is also suffering with high gas prices. Check out Germany! They can drive as fast as they want on the autobahn, but they also have to pay over $11.00 a gallon. Venezuela, on the other hand, only pays 12 cents a gallon, but they have to listen to Hugo Chavez talk about his hair styles for the rest of time.

I, however, have a plan. I'm just going to drive to Venezuela to fill up my car. It'll only cost me about $1.80 to fill up there, as opposed to the $59.40 here or $172.35 in Germany. Maybe I'll get a couple of gas cans and fill those up while I'm down there, and sell them to you poor suckers here!

Long story short, I'm gonna be rich. Filthy, smelly rich. Finally!

Oh, and buy a candle.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I'm HUGE in Italy.

The picture above is a cartoon representation of how "rednecks" see the United States. I didn't make it, I merely post it here as a humorous image that will make you stop and think about maps.

Why maps? Well, thanks to Google Analytics, I now know where you crazy people who read this manly blog come from. Most of you are from the United States, naturally, but it's awesome to see people from other countries tuning in too. Italy in particular is in love with the blog, which is strange, because I haven't even written about my love of pizza, spaghetti, or Ducati motorcycles. If any of you Italians reading this happen to own Ducati, email me and I'll send you my address. I'll test one for you. Long term.

Anyway, check out who's reading this: Folks from Brazil, Spain, India, Libya, Germany, England, Saudi Arabia, Bulgaria and other places are thinking manly thoughts with me. The only disappointment so far is Australia- We have manly readers on every continent except Australia (okay, and Antarctica, if you want to split hairs), and Australia is a darn manly continent. Come on, you Aussies! I drink a lot of Foster's Beer! Throw me a bone and give me a hit!

Anyhoo, my point is that there are manly men all over the world, and they all love manly candles. Thanks for reading!

Attack of the Kittens

Remember when I was telling you about the amazing Montana wildlife? Deer, elk, sheep, cowgirls, etc.? We've had another explosion of life here at Manly Man headquarters.

We're being overrun by seven of the cutest damn kittens you've ever seen. Apparently these farm cats don't practice safe sex, because the products of their labor are crawling all over the candle wax.

In fact, if your new candles smell more like baby cat than leather, you'll know the reason.

A couple of days ago we started the naming process, which isn't easy because they all look quite similar. We noticed that one of them had ears that are kind of folded forward, much like Yoda. So, creatively, we named him Yoda. After that it was easy- We would name them all after Star Wars characters.

We have Yoda, Luke, Princess Leia, Darth, Han Solo, Jar Jar, and one I can't think of right now. Jar Jar is the one that won't shut up. Han Solo is the one I've frozen in carbonite. Darth is already building the tiniest, cutest little kitten Death Star you've ever seen.

I'll keep you up to date on their progress.

My Hero

Wile E. Coyote: Inventor. Philosopher. Test pilot. Lover.

Yes, Wile E. Is my hero. Sure, that's probably an unusual choice for a role model, but as a child of the seventies I spent my Saturdays sitting in front of the boob tube learning from him.

I watched him try, and I watched him fail, hundreds and hundreds of times. I watched him order great contraptions from the Acme company, which apparently doesn't have an internal product testing division, but must have some of the most amazing product liability lawyers in the known universe.

I always wondered why there were so many anvils in the desert. I wondered what he ate, since he never caught the damn roadrunner. I wondered where he got the money for all of his purchases. I wondered what kept him motivated.

Most of all, though, I rooted for him, even though I knew he would never succeed. Much like a Chicago Cubs fan, actually. I rooted for him because I knew, even at a young age, that
for Wile E. Coyote the reward wasn't the roadrunner, the reward was the hunt.

That's a lesson for all of us.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Facial Hair Rocks

Must... Grow... Beard...

Four Manly Images

If you're going to run a giant corporation that's based on being manly, you have to keep up with all manly trends. While searching the web for the latest and most up to date manly happenings, I came across these four images that pretty much sum up what it's like to be a man today.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

More random pictures

This one makes me so happy for some reason.

I lol'd.

Oldie but a goodie.

Not a particularly good photoshop, but funny nonetheless.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

I have a Peppy Le Problem.

Manly Man Candle Company is based in Montana, where the deer and the antelope roam, where seldom is heard a discouraging word, where men are men and sheep are nervous. It's beautiful here, gorgeous mountains, pristine rivers and lakes, and lots of wildlife.

Ah, the wildlife. Deer, buffalo, elk, antelope, prairie dogs, wolves, mountain goats, wild Mountain Elephants, we've got it all, and it's all beautiful. We really are close to nature here.

Actually, I'm a little too close to nature right now. It seems that a skunk has decided that we would be great neighbors, and has moved in permanently. The cats seem to think this is great- I've caught them both eating at the same bowl like they were long lost cousins. The dogs, however, don't seem to understand skunk at all. Two cans of tomato juice later, they're beginning to understand.

Anyway, I somehow need to convince the skunk to move along. Any suggestions will be appreciated, as will donations of a black cat with a painted white stripe on its back- I've seen a lot of cartoons.

Monday, June 2, 2008

Camping with my wife's dog

My wife had a wedding to attend in Tennessee, my daughter was staying with her grandpa, and I had a free weekend. Time to camp!

A lot of you may not know this, but I'm a true mountain man. I have spent hours learning all of my woods skills, and I've seen Red Dawn about 76 times, so you could drop me off in the Amazon rainforest and I'd be able to live forever, provided there was a hotel and a McDonald's close by. See? I've got skills.

But this weekend presented a new challenge. I had to take my wife's dog with me, and have her come back alive, or at least reasonably alive.

Long story short, we're back home alive. We hiked for miles, saw lots of wildlife, and slept in a tent, just like real men. We got rained on, drank warm beer, chased squirrels (not those tame city squirrels- mountain squirrels) and cooked food over a campfire. I'll give you more details later, but overall, it was a good weekend.

Except for when the dog stole my hotdogs, but that's another story.