Monday, February 9, 2009

Just got back from labor class

Now that my Beautiful Southern Wife™ is heading into her 7th trimester (or so it seems to me) we've been doing the pre-delivery classes. The first one we did was "Labor Basics", where we learned the do's and don'ts of a hospital delivery, such as:

pack a bag filled with everything you'll need for your hospital stay.

Don't fill that bag with with earplugs and motorcycle magazines for yourself.

Do position yourself so you can help the mother and be supportive.

Don't push the doctor out of the way while yelling, "I got this one, college boy!"

I could go on, but you get the drift- Don't do anything that might upset the expectant mother, or anything that might be fun. The second class was on breastfeeding, which I didn't attend, because, as I explained to my wife, that doesn't seem like a skill I'm really going to need. Turns out I was the only husband who didn't attend, so apparently I was a little off base on that one.

Tonight's class was "Comfort Measures", which covered breathing techniques and described the various drugs the mother can take during the labor and delivery. To start the class the instructor asked if anyone had been having trouble sleeping. I said no, that I was sleeping like a rock, but apparently the instructor was talking mainly to the pregnant women.

Sometimes it seems like this whole pregnancy is just all about the woman. It's sexist, I tell you. Anyway, to summarize tonight's class:

1. When contractions start, breath slowly.

2. When contractions get worse, breath faster.

3. When it really hurts, breath as fast as you can, while making this sound: "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or something like that, I didn't take notes. There's only one class left, then we're certified to become parents. I hope we pass- I'd hate to have to have my wife be forced into overtime!


Curtis said...

Ya missed the breast feeding class? Man what were you thinking, it was about BOOBS!

I mean come on, you are suppose to be a manly man, aren't you?

As for the breathing thing, I long ago decided this was all a distraction effort for both the mother and may help oxygenate the blood for more energy, or something else, but mainly it makes the two of you concentrate on sometyhing other than what is a painful process for both of you.

Both? Yes, your hand that will hold throughout this marvel called birth will be permanently crippled...squeezed into an unrecognizable pulp. Later in life, just as you start to get some feeling and use back into the mangled stump of an arm, it will cramp into the notorious "open wallet" position for the rest of your time on this mortal coil.

After that, I don't know. I would think TRYING to be a good father would qualify your soul for a new hand, but no one is talking to me that has gone on that far...

Good luck, guyy. You're going to need it!

Curtis in Italia! {!-{>

The Manly Man said...

Curtis, I like the cut of your jib.

You speak the truth of being a real manly man- We suffer for our women and children, but we love every minute of it. Right?

Greetings from America!

Anonymous said...

(I have to review my typing better! {!-{> )

Women don't understand that what they go through in giving birth is NOTHING compared to the pain men go through. They know they are going to lay there and it will all happen to them: we have to stand by the one's we love... knowing there is nothing we can do to ease their suffering...

Now THAT is pain...

Curtis in Italia (but leaving in 5 days!) ! {!-{>