Saturday, January 31, 2009

Every continent, baby!

I'm a month late in reporting this, but guess what? Someone from EVERY CONTINENT IN THE WORLD HAS READ THE MANLY MAN CANDLE COMPANY BLOG. I got this email on December 22 of 2008.

Hello Brent,

As promised a message from Antarctica.

For maps, pics and webcam views just click here.

So, a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to all at Manly Man Candles.

Best wishes,

Mike Gloistein
RRS James Clark Ross

That, my friends, is TOO COOL. Mike, you rock, and we all wish you the absolute best luck and safest journey possible. Bring me back a penguin and you get free candles for a year.

Now, who on the International Space Station has access to the net and can do me a quick favor? The candles only way five ounces, so that won't add much to your payload!

Friday, January 30, 2009

No weird food cravings

Men who have lived with pregnant women all deserve medals know that they can be crazy are truly performing miracles, and appreciate their hard work. I tell my wife at least once a day how much I respect her for carrying our child, and I also tell her that I'm jealous and wish that I could carry him for a while and experience the miracle myself.

That's a lie and we both know it, but she smiles politely.

You know how television shows usually have pregnant women craving weird things like pickles and ice cream? Well, I like pickles, and I'm more than happy to enjoy some ice cream, so one of the things I was looking forward to most was indulging in delicious foods for nine months.

How well has that worked out for me? Not well at all.

What has she craved? Nothing. Guess what's happened... She's gotten food aversions. That's right, there are no foods she craves, only foods that she no longer likes.

Tacos? Can't eat them. Macaroni and cheese? Can't stand the sight. Energy bars? Nope. So, instead of me gorging myself on ice cream and junk food, I get to eat healthy foods, and that's a complete rip off.

Yes, I'm whining, but here's the point: I will trade anyone a small Manly Man Candle for a taco. Email me for details, but please hurry- I could really use a taco.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My health status: Fine

Do you recognize the man in the picture above? It's none other than Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple, Inc. He's an amazing man, really, with a list of accomplishments as long or longer than almost anybody in the computer industry. Some of his creations include the Apple II, the Macintosh, the iPod, and the iPhone, and oh yeah, he also bought Pixar Animation and led that company as they produced Toy Story, The Incredibles, Cars, and many more amazing films.

So yeah, he's a cool guy. A manly man, to say the least. A man who has pushed the human race forward, as a great Apple commercial once said about other people.

Now Steve Jobs has temporarily left Apple for health reasons, and the computer industry has their collective panties in a bunch. Apple stock has fluctuated because of fears of his lack of leadership and inspiration. People are thinking about filing lawsuits because they think Apple hid the severity of his illness from investors. Rumors are flying around cyberspace about what's wrong with him. CNN even posted an iReport a month or so ago saying that he was dead. They retracted it as soon as they found out he was still alive, but Apple's stock fell severely on the (fake) news.

Okay, I'm rambling, but I really identify with Steve. We're both the undisputed leaders of our companies. We're both visionaries- Him with computer tech, and me with manly scents. We're both manly, manly men who can grow great facial hair (you should see my mustache!). We're both billionaires who can change the world with the snap of our fingers.

Well, I guess I don't completely identify with Steve, but you get the idea.

Best wishes to you Steve. This commercial fits you as well as anyone:

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

The Steeler's kicker rocks

So the Steelers are in the Superbowl again, and they're probably going to get ring number six. As a Steeler fan, I couldn't be happier.

Then I found this picture on the web. This picture was apparently taken within the past day or two, and it's of Pittsburgh kicker Jeff Reed enjoying himself (and his hair care products) in Tampa.

I love this picture, and I'm glad you're having a good time, Jeff, but you'd better not miss a field goal in the game, or as Ricky would say to Lucy, "You got some 'splain' to do!"

MMCC racing update

Just a quick update on the Manly Man Candle Company Race Team (MMCCRT- An acronym that rolls off the tongue). We're preparing for our first big race. Lap times are decreasing. Speeds are increasing. We're practicing starts, trying different lines, turning double jumps into triples, triples into quadruples, and quadruples into whatever is one bigger than that. I'm putting the finishing touches on the new stickers, working on new shirts and team colors, and figuring out ways to have a lot of fun and put in some good finishes.

I'm excited, and I'll probably bore you to death with updates when the season actually starts. Wish us luck!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009



I work with men. Quite a few of them, actually, and when we're together the testosterone level can get out of hand quickly. A few days ago it reached a new, astonishing level, and a few of us decided that the only thing we could do to raise it to an even higher level would be to grow the thickest, bushiest, Magnum P.I. mustaches we could.

Is there anything manlier? I think not.

So now a few of us are in the growth stage of the best freaking mustaches the world has ever known. Ron Burgandy style. Geraldo Rivera style. A few of the guys have referred to them as "porn star mustaches", but since I've never seen a porn movie or even looked at a "nudie magazine" before I'll have to take their word for it.

It's interesting how facial hair works. Me, being a manly man, can grow facial hair pretty much at will. I had to start shaving at age six. A few of my coworkers are having a bit more trouble getting the old cookie duster to grow quickly, but I'm sure they'll sprout into amazing displays of bad decision making with a couple of weeks.

I might put a picture of us up, if properly motivated. Have you been over to the candle company lately?

Monday, January 26, 2009

The moving process

I got some great advice on moving a couple of months ago, and I think that it's manly enough to share with you.

"When you're moving, try to get two trucks. Put everything you're going to keep in one truck, and put everything you're going to throw away into the other. When you're done, take them both to the dump."

I'm not sure how practical that is, but I certainly understand the feeling behind it. Oh, and here's another question. How do women always know where stuff is?

Me: "Honey, where's the spare key to first car we ever owned and in fact sold about 15 years ago?"

Wife: "Oh, that's in the spare bedroom, third drawer down, on the left hand side, towards the back. If I remember right, it's under that Motley Crue fan club magazine you had."

Drives me crazy, but it comes in handy!

Sunday, January 25, 2009


About a year ago, my then 14 year old daughter decided that the cutest thing in the world is a guinea pig, and that she had to have one. I, of course, put my foot down, and said (in no uncertain terms) that she had to ask her mom.

Very manly, I know. I can sense that you're impressed with my awesome decision making and parenting skills, and I accept your awe in my typical graceful way. The true beauty of this maneuver is that there was no way my sweet wife would ever say yes, so I would get to be the good guy, and she would have to be the bad guy and say no.

My wife, though, didn't live up to her end of the bargain. She also thought that guinea pigs are the cutest things in the world, so not only did my lovely daughter end up with a guinea pig (named Penny), my wife ended up with a pig of her own (named Chewy).

They're cute, no doubt. They're both females, because I'm not interested in becoming a guinea pig breeder- At least not yet. They're lots of fun, too. They chase each other around their pens, kick up wood chips, drink lots of water, poop, and eat. Here's a list of everything they can do:

1. Chase each other around the pen

2. Kick up wood chips

3. Drink lots of water

4. Poop

5. Eat

6. Absolutely nothing else

They don't mind being held and petted, and in fact, they remind me of a tribble from the original Star Trek series. However, for the right price, these awesome pets can be yours. Bidding starts at -$5.00 (I pay you five dollars to take them). Bid early and bid often!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

My brother's gift giving skills

Speaking of the holiday season, I have to tell you about my brother's amazing gift giving talents. You know how some families have that one person who spends days, no, WEEKS, picking out the perfect gift for each person in the family? They spend hours thinking about each person's unique personality and preferences, their hobbies, wishes, desires and dreams, and choose the exact right gift for that person? They get that person something that isn't just a gift for a day, or a week, but a gift that is absolutely cherished for a lifetime?

Do you know a person like that? If you do, imagine the exact opposite of that person and you'll have my brother.

For many years he gave everyone in the family the tasty goodness of sausage gift packs. You know the kind, they come with cheese and sometimes little jellies. It didn't matter what age you were, you got a sausage pack. 50 year old man? Sausage pack. Six year old girl? Sausage pack. Newly married couple having your first Christmas together? Two sausage packs.

Then tragedy struck my brother's Christmas plans- The sausage pack place closed. He was probably the only one still buying them in this millennium. Last year he bought everyone University of Montana Grizzly t-shirts, and just to make sure nobody got their feeling hurt he bought everyone the same size... Double XL. That's okay, though, because my wife and I cut ours up and sewed them into a fancy new car cover. If we had added the one my daughter got we could have had a carnival tent.

This Christmas we all got shirts and underwear that says "Remove before flight" on them. I'm still not sure what that's all about, but I can hardly wait to see what next year brings. I think I'm going to give him Manly Candles, which are the perfect gift for any occasion.

Friday, January 23, 2009

It's been crazy, but I'm back

Hi everybody!

Sorry for the lack of updates. Christmas season turned out to be absolutely crazy, and I'm just recovering from everything now. The past month has included:

1. Many, many candle shipments. Thank you all very much- My life goal of making the world a manlier smelling place is well underway!

2. Incredibly bad weather, which caused massive snow drifts that covered my yard and the roads leading to it. This led to the the next activity, which was...

3. The complete relocation of my family and Manly Man Candle Company to a new house and candle production facility (basement). The candle factory has been upgraded in every way, including the addition of a world-class dog sled team to ensure winter delivery. Actually, we moved because...

4. My beautiful southern wife is now very, very pregnant (almost eight months!), and didn't need to be living where there's a pretty good chance that we would be snowed in. I've tried to convince her that I can deliver this baby, but she would rather have a doctor do it for some reason. I'm almost 74% positive that I can handle it, but she remains as stubborn as only a southern girl can get. Clean towels, hot water, yell PUSH!!! PUSH!!! PUSH!!!, cut the cord, slap the new mother's butt, and boom, happy new baby, right? It's simple. I wish she had more faith in me, but I guess that's how it goes sometimes.

5. This holiday season also brought the first visit of my father-in-law to Montana. It went very well, thank heavens. He was amazed by the snow, and does NOT want to move here.

Anyway, I could go on for pages, but those are the biggies. I'm sure your holiday season was crazy too, but I hope you had a great one, and may 2009 be your manliest year ever!