The Love Boat

Greatest show of all time.

Thinking about changing my name

My Name is Grassman. Brent Grassman. Shaken, not stirred.

See, that just doesn't work. My first name, Brent, has served me adequately for 37 years now, but I'm not going to say it's been without some problems. I've been called Brett, Rhett, Gent, and twice people actually thought my name was Prince. No, I'm not kidding. Prince.

I've always wanted a name that's a bit more common. Like Ben, John, or Steve. A simple name that people wouldn't make me repeat. Now that I'm the owner of a major global company I'm thinking about changing my name to better suit my new stature. I have three criteria for my future name- It must ooze manliness, it must be easy to remember, and it must be somewhat short- I don't have time for long signatures.

So with that in mind, here are a few possibilities:

1. Jake Stone

2. Hank Scorpio (see above picture)

3. Rock Steel

4. Man Lee McCandle (the "Mc" is silent)

5. Al Uminum

6. Russ Tedbearing


I have many, many ideas, but I can't seem to pick one that fits me perfectly yet. Suggestions are appreciated.

My Superbowl thoughts

As a life-long Steeler fan I am, of course, thrilled that they won the Superbowl. They had the hardest schedule in the NFL this year, and had an absolutely amazing season. Congratulations to all involved, including the Cardinals, who played a fantastic game.

I watched the game at my dad's house with my family. We all met there for one reason- To enjoy the company of my loving family and share the joy of a big event; to build memories that would last a lifetime.

Just kidding. He has the biggest TV, so it was a no-brainer. My television, by the way, is a manly, manly piece of audio/video equipment... The screen measures a GIGANTIC 27 inches, and it features low definition, mono sound, and several dents. Seriously.

Anyhoo, here's a quick summation of my emotions during the game:

1. Yay!

2. Yay!

3. Damn!

4. Damn- WAIT, JAMES HARRISON INTERCEPTED IT, RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN YES TOUCHDOWN!!

5. Halftime.

6. Yay!

7. Damn!

8. Damn!

9. Double Damn!

10. Oh Lord we're behind, I need to go lie down. I'm so very sad.

11. OH YEAH WE'RE WINNING AGAIN I LOVE EVERYBODY!

12. Terror that Kurt Warner would break my heart

13. It's over, I'm exhausted.


That was a great game. I'm tired just thinking about it. Oh, and that Doritos crystal ball commercial made coke come out my nose. Awesome.

Finally catching up!

Now that I'm finally catching up with all of the orders from the last two weeks (only 100 behind!) it's time to start thinking about growing the business. And how do we grow the business? That's right, advertising.

Billboards. Newspapers. Radio. Television. Skywriting. Viral. I'm going to have it all.

I'm going to hit all the major markets, too. New York. Los Angeles. Miami. Great Falls. Power. Oh, and we're going global, too. Maybe even an ad in Alberta!

Anyway, I just wanted to give you all a heads up on this. Prepare for an onslaught of media saturation that will make any Budweiser ad campaign look like it's been done by first graders.

Of course, my ads will probably look like three year olds did them, but that's beside the point.

Top Gear!

Sometimes you see people and you think, "Man, I wish I had that job!" I've thought that several times. First when I was six and saw the Shriner's drive their little cars around in the parade, then later when I was sixteen and learned that the Hawaiian Tropics girls hired someone to put suntan lotion on them. If only there was a way to put the lotion on the girls while driving the little cars around.. HEAVEN!

Oh, and if my wife is reading this, I am, of course, kidding, and I love you. That last part was just to get more hits so I can sell more candles. Then, naturally, I'll take the money and buy you something nice!

Back to the show. Top Gear is the best thing on British television, right up there with Doctor Who. You're really a nerd if you know what Doctor Who is, by the way. Anyway, Top Gear is a show all about cars, but they do crazy things with them. Like race them against military jets, or try to make everyday cars amphibious and drive (and float) them from France to England. They have celebrities come on the show and drive laps around their test track, and compare their times against all the other celebrities. Most of the time I don't even know who the celebrities are, because they're British. The best part of the show, though, is that the three hosts are true MEN. They're not afraid to do crazy things and almost die, which pretty much defines MANLY.

Here's my case in point: One of the hosts is driving a jet powered car on an airport runway, gets a flat tire, and crashes at well over two hundred miles per hour. He's fine now, but man, that's awesome. Give it a watch, then tell me if you would do it.

I would.

Carrie Underwood

So I just heard that Carrie Underwood is a closet Trekkie. And no, I don't want to get into whether Trekkies really want to be called "Trekkers". Frankly, I don't care. I have to be politically correct about everything else, but darn it, they'll always be Trekkies to me. Anyway, she's one of them. And she says that she wants to go to a Star Trek convention, but nobody will take her. Yeah.


Why is it that Trekkies get all the hot women these days? In the old days it used to be that jocks got the cheerleaders, but now you can't shoot a phaser down the Jefferies Tube without hitting a beautiful supermodel trying to get with a Trekkie. Why are Trekkies so irresistible to women? I've made a list of possible reasons.

1. Women are attracted to men in (Starfleet) uniforms.

2. They always fall for the line "Wanna pet my Tribble?".

3. Girls can't get enough of the "Prime Directive".

4. Enough Romulan Ale and women will fall for anyone.

5. Two words- William Shatner.

See? I could go on and on, but it's plain to see that Trekkies are like coffee and chocolate to women- IRRESISTIBLE. Oh, and Carrie, I can't take you to a convention, I'm happily married, but I have the PERFECT man for you. Call me!

The NCAA Men's Championship

I just spent the last three hours watching Kansas become the NCAA Men's Basketball champions. Congrats to all of you Jayhawks fans. Both of you.

Did anyone see the three pointer to tie the game at the end of regulation? Nice job, random kid from Kansas. You'll be telling anyone who'll listen about that shot for the rest of your life. People will come up to you and say, "Aren't you the guy who..." and you won't even listen to the rest of the sentence before you say, "Yes. Yes I am."

Anyway, great job Kansas. Thanks to Memphis falling into a coma for the last two minutes of the game you're the champs. And that's very manly.

Watching TV With Women

Desperate Housewives. Grey's Anatomy. The Biggest Loser. Wife Swap. American Idol. Sigh...

There was a time when these shows were almost unknown to me. Sure, I'd seen the commercials for them while I was watching something manly, but I didn't know all of crap I know now. Let me enlighten you: There was a tornado in Desperate Housewives, McDreamy and McSteamy and McAlex are saving lives and seducing women in Grey's Anatomy, chunky people are running and sweating and getting weighed on The Biggest Loser and "Muffy" from the upper west side of Manhattan has been swapped with "LeQuisha" from South Central Los Angeles, and guess what, they're not getting along with their new families.

See, I used to be the classic ESPN guy. Sportscenter seven times a day? Yep. Oh, and yes, I know it's the same show just being repeated over and over, and no, I don't care. Motorcycle racing on TV? Boom, I'm there. Trucks on SpikeTV? Turn it up. Lumberjacks cutting stuff up with 454 cubic inch nitro-fueled chainsaws? TURN IT UP.

Well, I still get to watch some of those manly shows when the wife's asleep. But if anybody needs to get an update on what happened on Dancing with the Stars just drop me a line.