Pregnancy update

I was trying to find a picture of a VERY pregnant woman to go along with this post, and I finally ended up with Octomom. No, I am not Octomom's baby daddy, contrary to what the media is saying.

Anyway, just a quick update here on Mrs. Manly Man: Her due date was March 10th. It is now March 16th, and she is still pregnant.

Mrs. Manly Man is very tired of being pregnant. I'm beginning to think this little Manly Man is going to be enrolled in school before he's born. Maybe he'll have a little Magnum P.I. mustache when he comes out!

Updates to follow, wish us luck!

Happy Day After Valentine's Day!

Here's a little something for you female Manly Men. I'm writing this a day late because I spent all of yesterday (Valentine's Day) taking the very best care of my Beautiful Southern Wife™. To sum up my day:

1. Woke up early, made her breakfast in bed.

2. Put in "Steel Magnolias" for us to watch as we had breakfast in bed.

3. Took the dishes to the kitchen and washed them as she drifted back off to dreamland.

4. After doing the dishes, I took the petals from some of the twelve dozen roses I bought her and placed them into a hot (but not too hot) bubble bath I had just run for her.

5. When her bath was done, I draped her in a brand new ultra-soft terry cloth robe I got her just for Valentine's Day and led her to the living room, where I had a hot cup of decaffeinated coffee, a new copy of Us Weekly, and "The View" on television.

6. As she watched "The View", I massaged her feet.

7. We then drove to the mall, where we shopped for makeup, clothes, and baby stuff.

8. After the mall, we went to a pet store where we looked at puppies and kittens.

9. We then took a lovely drive through town, holding hands and talking about our feelings.

10. I then took her to Macaroni Grill for a nice dinner.

11. After dinner, I stood on the table and told everyone in the restaurant how much I loved my wife, then sang her a love song in Italian. Several grown men cried from the sheer beauty and emotion of my singing.

12. Next up was a quick drive home, where I tucked her in, cuddled with her, rubbed her back, stroked her hair and whispered tender love messages to her as she once again drifted off to dreamland.


Yep, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it.

Just got back from labor class

Now that my Beautiful Southern Wife™ is heading into her 7th trimester (or so it seems to me) we've been doing the pre-delivery classes. The first one we did was "Labor Basics", where we learned the do's and don'ts of a hospital delivery, such as:


Do pack a bag filled with everything you'll need for your hospital stay.

Don't fill that bag with with earplugs and motorcycle magazines for yourself.


Do position yourself so you can help the mother and be supportive.

Don't push the doctor out of the way while yelling, "I got this one, college boy!"


I could go on, but you get the drift- Don't do anything that might upset the expectant mother, or anything that might be fun. The second class was on breastfeeding, which I didn't attend, because, as I explained to my wife, that doesn't seem like a skill I'm really going to need. Turns out I was the only husband who didn't attend, so apparently I was a little off base on that one.

Tonight's class was "Comfort Measures", which covered breathing techniques and described the various drugs the mother can take during the labor and delivery. To start the class the instructor asked if anyone had been having trouble sleeping. I said no, that I was sleeping like a rock, but apparently the instructor was talking mainly to the pregnant women.

Sometimes it seems like this whole pregnancy is just all about the woman. It's sexist, I tell you. Anyway, to summarize tonight's class:

1. When contractions start, breath slowly.

2. When contractions get worse, breath faster.

3. When it really hurts, breath as fast as you can, while making this sound: "OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Or something like that, I didn't take notes. There's only one class left, then we're certified to become parents. I hope we pass- I'd hate to have to have my wife be forced into overtime!

No weird food cravings

Men who have lived with pregnant women all deserve medals know that they can be crazy are truly performing miracles, and appreciate their hard work. I tell my wife at least once a day how much I respect her for carrying our child, and I also tell her that I'm jealous and wish that I could carry him for a while and experience the miracle myself.

That's a lie and we both know it, but she smiles politely.

You know how television shows usually have pregnant women craving weird things like pickles and ice cream? Well, I like pickles, and I'm more than happy to enjoy some ice cream, so one of the things I was looking forward to most was indulging in delicious foods for nine months.

How well has that worked out for me? Not well at all.

What has she craved? Nothing. Guess what's happened... She's gotten food aversions. That's right, there are no foods she craves, only foods that she no longer likes.

Tacos? Can't eat them. Macaroni and cheese? Can't stand the sight. Energy bars? Nope. So, instead of me gorging myself on ice cream and junk food, I get to eat healthy foods, and that's a complete rip off.

Yes, I'm whining, but here's the point: I will trade anyone a small Manly Man Candle for a taco. Email me for details, but please hurry- I could really use a taco.

The moving process

I got some great advice on moving a couple of months ago, and I think that it's manly enough to share with you.

"When you're moving, try to get two trucks. Put everything you're going to keep in one truck, and put everything you're going to throw away into the other. When you're done, take them both to the dump."

I'm not sure how practical that is, but I certainly understand the feeling behind it. Oh, and here's another question. How do women always know where stuff is?

Me: "Honey, where's the spare key to first car we ever owned and in fact sold about 15 years ago?"

Wife: "Oh, that's in the spare bedroom, third drawer down, on the left hand side, towards the back. If I remember right, it's under that Motley Crue fan club magazine you had."

Drives me crazy, but it comes in handy!

Human nature

I was looking through some old pictures the other day when I came across a bunch of great snapshots from a trip I took to Laguna Seca. I went there to see the U.S. Grand Prix MotoGP race, and it was AWESOME. The race itself was incredible, but one of the best parts was just watching the people.

Now, I don't condone treating women like objects, but at the MotoGP race they have a bunch of "umbrella girls" walking around advertising various motorcycle related products. These girls will sometimes wear skimpy outfits to garner more male attention, which, again, is a practice I don't believe in.

Let me show you some of the pictures I took of them to prove how much I don't believe in this. Here's an example:


In case you were wondering, the guy with the beard and the white shirt is NOT an umbrella girl. Men just love having their picture taken with these girls for some reason. Now, in this next picture:


You'll notice that the men are happy to see umbrella girls. But I want to talk about human nature for a minute here. See, the interesting part of being at the race wasn't looking at the girls (really, I swear!), it was watching how the guys interacted with the girls. Or, as in my case, didn't interact. I kind of like being a fly on the wall at events like this.

Not like this guy:


See how he got right in the middle of all the girls, no shirt on, and wraps his arms around them? Confident. Manly. A little arrogant, even, but some girls like that. This is one example of male behavior.

Now look at this guy:This guy is with the same group of girls, but look at his arms. If this guy could actually detach his arms and have the camera guy hold them for this picture he would. He's clearly scared to death to touch the girls, and I've got to think they find it cute and endearing. Heck, I found it cute and endearing!

Me? If I'm truly honest with myself I would say I'm a lot more like the shy guy than the shirtless guy, but I have my alpha dog moments too, don't get me wrong.

To sum up: Some people are aggressive, some are passive, some are boisterous, some are shy, and one thing is absolutely certain- They ALL love manly candles.

My Southern to English Dictionary

Marrying a Southern girl is a wonderful thing. They are smart, funny, beautiful and loyal, and I like to think that I got the best of the bunch.

A lot of people will tell you that the Southern accent is the sexiest accent ever, and while I can't really disagree with that, it does come with drawbacks. First off, it takes a few days (or months or years, depending on your level of commitment) to really understand the nuances of the accent.

It actually took about three minutes for me to understand what my wife's name was the first time we met. No, I'm not kidding.

I don't want you to have the same problems when you talk to a Southern girl (or guy). I now present a quiz- Match the Southern saying with the English meaning and win!


Southern Sayings

_____ 1. Goin' 90 tuh nothin'

_____ 2. Comin' uh flood

_____ 3. Covered over

_____ 4. Keepin' the roads hot

_____ 5. Lost as uh goose

_____ 6. Fixin' to

_____ 7. Reckon

_____ 8. Bawlin' uh tire

_____ 9. Smells loud

_____ 10. Got a wang to it

English Meaning

A. Raining really hard

B. Tastes unusual

C. I suppose it could happen

D. I am preparing to do something

E. Spinning an automobile's wheels

F. Always moving; never sitting still

G. Doing something at a breakneck pace

H. Doesn't have any idea of their current location

I. Large amount of people at one location

J. Is wearing a large quantity of perfume or cologne


Answers tomorrow!

Daredevils

So I drove my lovely young wife into work this morning so I could get some work done on the car. Normally I'm so manly that I'll just do the work myself, but let's face it- It's cold out and I'm lazy.

So, $110 dollars later the car is full of gas, fresh oil, new filters, vacuumed, shaved, showered and gift-wrapped. This reminds me of a conversation that I had with my family last night. We were driving around the gravel roads where I grew up, seeing the sights, when I mentioned that I would always drive over this big hill and hit the gas to speed down the other side. My wife then said that I shouldn't say things like that with our daughter in the car, because she'll be driving by herself soon and we want her to be careful.

I suggested that girls (and women) simply don't have the same idiotic tendencies that boys (and full grown men) do. Why is that? Is testosterone the drug that makes us all think we're stuntmen? And why is blowing stuff up so cool? And why does Motorhead rock so hard?

Anyway, I doubt you'd see a girl in the picture above. They're a little too... smart for that.

Pick Up Lines

People tell me that I'm "lucky at love". That's a nice way of saying that chicks dig me. I don't know why that is, but sometimes it's a curse! Listen, all of you hot sexy women, sometimes I just don't want to be treated like a sex object!!!

I've assembles this handy guide to help my "brothers from other mothers" get the girls of their dreams. Furthermore, I've divided them up into categories so you can use the appropriate pick up line on the right type of woman- Nothing is more embarrassing than going with a money line when you should have done something a little more... geek. This is the product of literally MINUTES of exhaustive research, so enjoy!

The Line That Works On All Women In General:

1. You know, inheriting $100 million doesn't mean much when you've only got six weeks to live.



Lines That Work On Mentally Ill Women:

1. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

2. Promise me that you won't cook my rabbit.


Lines For Geeky Women:

1. Your place or my Mom's?

2. If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.

3. You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.

4. If you were a phaser you'd be set on "stunning"!


Lines That Just Won't Work:

1. So, do you like fat guys with no money?

2. It'll be really quick and you won't feel a thing.

3. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your shirt in a public place.


Lines That Are So Bad They Just Might Work:

1. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

2. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

3. Does this rag smell like chloroform?


Anyway, report back and let me know how it goes. Good luck, men.

Watching TV With Women

Desperate Housewives. Grey's Anatomy. The Biggest Loser. Wife Swap. American Idol. Sigh...

There was a time when these shows were almost unknown to me. Sure, I'd seen the commercials for them while I was watching something manly, but I didn't know all of crap I know now. Let me enlighten you: There was a tornado in Desperate Housewives, McDreamy and McSteamy and McAlex are saving lives and seducing women in Grey's Anatomy, chunky people are running and sweating and getting weighed on The Biggest Loser and "Muffy" from the upper west side of Manhattan has been swapped with "LeQuisha" from South Central Los Angeles, and guess what, they're not getting along with their new families.

See, I used to be the classic ESPN guy. Sportscenter seven times a day? Yep. Oh, and yes, I know it's the same show just being repeated over and over, and no, I don't care. Motorcycle racing on TV? Boom, I'm there. Trucks on SpikeTV? Turn it up. Lumberjacks cutting stuff up with 454 cubic inch nitro-fueled chainsaws? TURN IT UP.

Well, I still get to watch some of those manly shows when the wife's asleep. But if anybody needs to get an update on what happened on Dancing with the Stars just drop me a line.