New Star Trek movie

It's been a while since I've posted- I've been basking in the glow of my new son, and I've got to tell you it's been AWESOME. However, I can't let this event go: The new Star Trek movie comes out May 8th.

I will be there. Look for the guy in the Klingon uniform. That won't be me.

Thinking about changing my name

My Name is Grassman. Brent Grassman. Shaken, not stirred.

See, that just doesn't work. My first name, Brent, has served me adequately for 37 years now, but I'm not going to say it's been without some problems. I've been called Brett, Rhett, Gent, and twice people actually thought my name was Prince. No, I'm not kidding. Prince.

I've always wanted a name that's a bit more common. Like Ben, John, or Steve. A simple name that people wouldn't make me repeat. Now that I'm the owner of a major global company I'm thinking about changing my name to better suit my new stature. I have three criteria for my future name- It must ooze manliness, it must be easy to remember, and it must be somewhat short- I don't have time for long signatures.

So with that in mind, here are a few possibilities:

1. Jake Stone

2. Hank Scorpio (see above picture)

3. Rock Steel

4. Man Lee McCandle (the "Mc" is silent)

5. Al Uminum

6. Russ Tedbearing


I have many, many ideas, but I can't seem to pick one that fits me perfectly yet. Suggestions are appreciated.

A dark Wall•E review

Last weekend the Mrs. and I went out to see the latest Pixar movie, Wall•E. It was a magical day. We started out with a little McDonald's, which is magical in its own right.

I've seen about 600 reviews for Wall•E so far, and they've all been overwhelmingly positive. Every once in a while, though, you see a review from a jerk who always has to be so damn negative about everything. I know that they'll get more hits and appear "edgier" if they try to act like they've seen it all, done it all, and hated it all, but I bet they don't get invited to the cool parties. It must be lonely in their mom's basement, comforted only by the glow of their computer screens and the thousands of dollars of superhero figurines.

I do recognize, though, the thrill they must get by trashing something people like, so I thought I'd try it.

My negative review:

Wall•E is a small rusty cleaning robot whose hopeless mission is to take all of the garbage that humans have left on Earth and compact it, stack it, and paddy-wack it. The opening scenes show him all alone on a dry, barren Earth, motoring along the dusty, garbage strewn cityscape, carrying out his programming. His tracks (feet, to him) begin to come apart, so he takes the tracks from a broken down Wall•E unit and uses them as his own.

It's very common for humans to anthromorphize machines, so let's do that to Wall•E. He basically takes shoes from a dead man so that he can go on. When he gets back to his "house" we find that he has a collection of parts in bins... Cameras (eyes), motherboards (hearts), clamps (hands), etc. When a serial killer does this it's insanity, when Wall•E does it, it's cute.

Later on a girl robot lands on the planet, and what does our criminally insane robot do? He starts stalking her. She even resorts to firing a weapon at him to keep him away, but he won't give up. His obsession won't let him. The girl robot eventually has to get on a spaceship to evade Wall•E, but he completely ignores the restraining order that she must have gotten, and hitches a ride on the outside of the rocket, just like the crazy guy did under the car in Cape Fear. Creepy.

Anyway, I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but the girl robot eventually succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome and falls for the man stalking her. She loves him even though everyone else is trying to stop them- It's like they're trying to do an intervention, but she just won't listen.



But seriously, it was a cute movie with a good moral. Go see it, then celebrate by buying enough candles to stack them into a replica of Wall•E.

Indiana Jones

I'm basically going to take an intellectual break today. I'm just going to do another list, but this one is easy pickings- Alternate names for the new Indiana Jones movie. I saw it over the weekend, and to be honest it was pretty good.

1. Indiana Jones and the Quest for Regular Bowel Movements

2. Indiana Jones and Cate Blanchett Looking Her Worst Ever

3. Indiana Jones Gets a Pacemaker

4. Illinois Jones Looks for his Brother (Okay, that one was dumb.)

5. Indiana Jones Would Have Gotten Away With It If It Wasn't For All You Meddling Kids

6. Indiana Jones and the Insolent Teen Who Wouldn't Get Off His Lawn

7. Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Script

8. Indiana Jones and the Hunt for the Manliest Candle

See? Quick, easy, and now I'm done for the day!

Movies I'd Like To See

Quick, name the last three movies you saw. I'll wait.

Hey, you're not doing it. Well, we're not going one step further until you do it.

I'll go first. I've seen Juno, 27 Dresses, and Sad Girl Takes a Risk and Finds True Happiness by Just Being Herself and Look How Pretty She Is. I swear they're gonna take away my man card soon.

Clearly I need to see more manly movies. In fact, I need to go to Hollywood and help create movies that are so manly they can undo the damage of seeing three chick flicks in a row. Here are a few of my ideas so far... Feel free to add your own.

1. Rambo vs. Rocky: Twelve Rounds of Freedom

2. Enterprise vs. Death Star: Winner Takes All

3. 12 Angry Men meet 12 More Angry Men and They Fight and Stuff

4. KILLCYCLE: Vigilante Justice Comes on Two Wheels

5. Everything Explodes Like Crazy For No Reason (Working Title)

6. Full Frontal Nudity (It's like Full Metal Jacket, but it's a boot camp for girls. Bad girls.)


Now those would be some manly movies. The great part is that we men could see them alone- After all, I know a girl who thought that Lord of the Rings was a documentary about the security guard at Tiffany's.