America is getting so damn wimpy

I'm not an old man yet, but I swear that I am already getting sick of kids these days. Cell phones glued to their ears, always logged into MySpace, you get the picture. IN MY DAY, we didn't have Wiis, PSPs, cell phones, MySpace, FaceBook, or any of that crap. We had to make do.

We only had Atari 2600s, Vic-20s, and maybe, if you were lucky, you could get onto a BBS to see some ASCII "art". I swear that we lived in the dark ages.

The picture above makes my point perfectly. What is that on the dad's shirt, a pie?

Alien Life

Crop circles rock. Do a Google search for that term and you will be dazzled with some absolutely amazing geometric shapes. Watch the movie "Signs". Talk to an Iowa corn farmer. Oh, there are aliens.

The thing that amazes me is that some people don't believe in aliens. It's a big universe, after all, and it seems kind of egocentric to think that we're the only planet with cells smart enough to crawl out of the primordial ooze. Just because they haven't popped down and said hi yet doesn't mean they're not there, it just means that they haven't had a chance. Or they hate us, what do I know?

It's also possible that they're just at the same point in evolution that we are and they don't have the technology to get to other star systems. Or, perhaps they're already here, which would explain Oprah.

One thing's for sure, though. Aliens LOVE manly candles!

Life's Hurdles

I swear that sometimes I feel like this guy.

But here's the thing. Some people would look at this picture and see failure. They might see someone who has every reason in the world to quit. But that's not manly.

This guy is manly. He's playing by his own rules. The other kids are sheep- They see a hurdle and they jump over it, just like "The Man" tells them too. Not this kid. He sees a hurdle and knocks it the hell over. I'm going to vow to be more like this guy. So, here's to you, Mr. Kick Ass Hurdler. Here's to you.

More random pictures!

A few more images from the hard drive... Lucky you!


This guy has great facial hair, obviously. Any facial hair that requires support struts to be attached to your hat is great hair. The great part is his CHEST HAIR. Good Lord this guy is manly.





I've had a few dreams like this. This refrigerator is so awesome that it hurts my soul to look at it. In other news, I had a Moose Drool last night, and it was great.




I find this amusing, but remember, there's no humor in traffic accidents. Unless it's a comedian running into a tiny car filled with clowns. Then it's hysterical.




So cool.



Okay, I'm trying to convince my dad to help me make one of these.
Or four of them to put on his Volkswagen Bug.

Random Pictures From My Hard Drive

Mac OS X.5 (Leopard, for all you geeks) has a cool little feature built into the Finder. Simply click a button called "All Images" and it will show you every single picture that lives on your computer. This is... Interesting.

See, it searches everything. Email attachments from years ago, folders that you've forgotten about, things that should have been deleted- Everything.

Today you get a treat! Here are a few of the over ten thousand images it found on my Mac this morning.

It's not easy to bee a dog.

Awesome grill that looks like a V-8 motor.

My kind of computer, except the beer is too light.

Is there anything duct tape can't do?

I'm always getting pictures like this.
This just supports my belief that all cats are evil.
I probably have 100 of these motivational posters.
Some of the images are pornographic, like this peep show.
Don't mess with his nuts!
Yeah, more porn.

More to come as the years go by. Keep sending me this madness so I can keep posting it.

Daredevils

So I drove my lovely young wife into work this morning so I could get some work done on the car. Normally I'm so manly that I'll just do the work myself, but let's face it- It's cold out and I'm lazy.

So, $110 dollars later the car is full of gas, fresh oil, new filters, vacuumed, shaved, showered and gift-wrapped. This reminds me of a conversation that I had with my family last night. We were driving around the gravel roads where I grew up, seeing the sights, when I mentioned that I would always drive over this big hill and hit the gas to speed down the other side. My wife then said that I shouldn't say things like that with our daughter in the car, because she'll be driving by herself soon and we want her to be careful.

I suggested that girls (and women) simply don't have the same idiotic tendencies that boys (and full grown men) do. Why is that? Is testosterone the drug that makes us all think we're stuntmen? And why is blowing stuff up so cool? And why does Motorhead rock so hard?

Anyway, I doubt you'd see a girl in the picture above. They're a little too... smart for that.

Pick Up Lines

People tell me that I'm "lucky at love". That's a nice way of saying that chicks dig me. I don't know why that is, but sometimes it's a curse! Listen, all of you hot sexy women, sometimes I just don't want to be treated like a sex object!!!

I've assembles this handy guide to help my "brothers from other mothers" get the girls of their dreams. Furthermore, I've divided them up into categories so you can use the appropriate pick up line on the right type of woman- Nothing is more embarrassing than going with a money line when you should have done something a little more... geek. This is the product of literally MINUTES of exhaustive research, so enjoy!

The Line That Works On All Women In General:

1. You know, inheriting $100 million doesn't mean much when you've only got six weeks to live.



Lines That Work On Mentally Ill Women:

1. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

2. Promise me that you won't cook my rabbit.


Lines For Geeky Women:

1. Your place or my Mom's?

2. If you only knew the power of the Dork Side.

3. You're even prettier than my fantasy girlfriend.

4. If you were a phaser you'd be set on "stunning"!


Lines That Just Won't Work:

1. So, do you like fat guys with no money?

2. It'll be really quick and you won't feel a thing.

3. My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off your shirt in a public place.


Lines That Are So Bad They Just Might Work:

1. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of buns.

2. Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

3. Does this rag smell like chloroform?


Anyway, report back and let me know how it goes. Good luck, men.