A dark Wall•E review

Last weekend the Mrs. and I went out to see the latest Pixar movie, Wall•E. It was a magical day. We started out with a little McDonald's, which is magical in its own right.

I've seen about 600 reviews for Wall•E so far, and they've all been overwhelmingly positive. Every once in a while, though, you see a review from a jerk who always has to be so damn negative about everything. I know that they'll get more hits and appear "edgier" if they try to act like they've seen it all, done it all, and hated it all, but I bet they don't get invited to the cool parties. It must be lonely in their mom's basement, comforted only by the glow of their computer screens and the thousands of dollars of superhero figurines.

I do recognize, though, the thrill they must get by trashing something people like, so I thought I'd try it.

My negative review:

Wall•E is a small rusty cleaning robot whose hopeless mission is to take all of the garbage that humans have left on Earth and compact it, stack it, and paddy-wack it. The opening scenes show him all alone on a dry, barren Earth, motoring along the dusty, garbage strewn cityscape, carrying out his programming. His tracks (feet, to him) begin to come apart, so he takes the tracks from a broken down Wall•E unit and uses them as his own.

It's very common for humans to anthromorphize machines, so let's do that to Wall•E. He basically takes shoes from a dead man so that he can go on. When he gets back to his "house" we find that he has a collection of parts in bins... Cameras (eyes), motherboards (hearts), clamps (hands), etc. When a serial killer does this it's insanity, when Wall•E does it, it's cute.

Later on a girl robot lands on the planet, and what does our criminally insane robot do? He starts stalking her. She even resorts to firing a weapon at him to keep him away, but he won't give up. His obsession won't let him. The girl robot eventually has to get on a spaceship to evade Wall•E, but he completely ignores the restraining order that she must have gotten, and hitches a ride on the outside of the rocket, just like the crazy guy did under the car in Cape Fear. Creepy.

Anyway, I don't want to ruin the movie for you, but the girl robot eventually succumbs to Stockholm Syndrome and falls for the man stalking her. She loves him even though everyone else is trying to stop them- It's like they're trying to do an intervention, but she just won't listen.



But seriously, it was a cute movie with a good moral. Go see it, then celebrate by buying enough candles to stack them into a replica of Wall•E.