Swimsuits, the beach, and you

I just spent a week on the beach, and I've got to tell you, it's been a learning experience. I've learned that I stink at catching fish in the ocean, I've learned that sharing a bathroom with six other people stinks (no pun intended), and I've learned a lot about beach fashion.

Here's a brief synopsis of my findings: Men absolutely DO NOT CARE what they look like on the beach. I saw hundreds of men who looked like they were 78 weeks pregnant walking around in nothing but tight shorts, and they were happy as clams. Most had a beer in their hands, which probably helped. I saw hundreds of women in bikinis, some looked good, some did not.

Here's the deal.

Men, please wear loose fitting swim trunks, no banana hammocks. It's just not cool anymore unless you're French. If your stomach is reasonably flat, feel free to go topless. If you look like you're trying to steal a watermelon you just swallowed, put a tank top on.

Women, the rules for you are a little more complex. I think I'm going to play it safe and not explain your rules, but if you're a woman and you want to know what you should wear for your beach vacation, feel free to email me a few pictures of you (front and rear views, for maximum accuracy) and I'll tell you what would be most appropriate for your beach vacation.

Just kidding, honey! Love you!