Scents people have suggested to me

We've been selling our candles at the local farmer's market lately, and I've got to tell you, it's a rush to meet you fine people, our customers, face to face. You're all quite good looking, educated, and you make brilliant purchasing decisions. Your support is appreciated.

Many of you seem to think that you have ideas for additional candle scents. Sigh. Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for YEARS now, I'm pretty sure I know all of the angles. Here's a list of some of the scents people have suggested to me over the past couple of weeks.

1. Fish

2. Dog poop

3. Dirty socks

4. Gasoline

5. WD-40

6. Farts

7. Sweat

8. Skunk (Do they NOT READ THIS BLOG???)

9. Beer

10. Smoke

But at least the people who suggested those things "get it". They know we're called Manly Man Candle Company for a reason. I've also had people come up to me and ask if we have any candles that smell like roses, babies, sunshine, or love. I'll say no, of course, then they'll follow up by asking for something even more girly, like Cosmopolitans, bras, or rainbows. These people just don't get it. I have to get security to escort them off the premises.

We are, however, introducing a few new scents in the upcoming weeks. They're out of R&D and almost ready for the public. I'll unveil them tomorrow, right here.

My dog's gas smells like skunk

Sigh.

My Peppy Le Problem came back. Apparently my dogs have learning disabilities, because they didn't retain the lesson the skunk left them last time. Yes, they got sprayed again, worse this time. Gizmo, the dog I took camping a while back, took a shot of skunk spray right to the face.

Most of it went in her mouth, which means that she now smells bad inside and out. Last night, after we gave both of them another tomato juice bath, Gizmo decided that it was time to "poot", as Southern girls put it.

I swear to God that we were lucky to have survived it. Normally her "poots" are bad enough to have the house declared a Superfund disaster site, but when she combined her normal scents with the added bonus of skunk spray it was truly hideous. I'm not even exaggerating here. I was going to just burn the house down and cover the ashes in lime, but my wife thought we could save it just by ripping up the carpet and repainting every solid surface.

It was an interesting night. Oh, and we made some candles, too. Please buy them to help pay for my nose reconstruction. Thank you.

Massive pandering for hit, Google style

In my desperate attempt to get more hits I've discovered the Google Zeitgeist 2007. In a nutshell, this is a big list of the top terms people searched for last year. They keep track of everything at Google, which is awesome for historical purposes, but scary if they ever show what individual people search for.

For example, according to Google, one of the most searched for terms today is "Mini me sex tape". That's right, Vern Troyer (Mini Me from the Austin Powers movies) has a sex tape out. That's information I didn't really need to know.

In order to get this site to pop up in the Google results search more frequently, I present this story, based on the most popular search terms of last year.

Anna Nicole Smith quietly sat there, playing Webkinz on her iPhone. Photographers from TMZ, fresh from the premiere of Transformers, took pictures and videos of her. They would later post these pictures and videos to Facebook, MySpace, and YouTube. Even later than that, they would watch Heroes and go to Club Penguin.

There! Now I'm guaranteed a million more hits! I don't know why people think this is hard. It's not rocket science, people.

Spanish TV

Now that Australia is on board with Manly Man Candle Company I feel like it's time to really try to expand the audience. After all, everyone who reads this masterpiece orders a candle, so more people equals more candles sold, right?

See, this is why I'm brilliant. I see things others do not, much like the boy in "The Sixth Sense".

So the picture above is my first attempt to get some more hits. I going after the low hanging fruit here, so to speak, by putting up a picture of a scantily clad Spanish TV hostess. You know what she likes? You know what she CRAVES??? Manly Man Candles. Just like all hot women around the world.

Now, I'm not saying that if you buy a Manly Man Candle you'll have women like this falling at your feet, but it couldn't hurt, right?

Australia is off the hook

Well, it didn't take long for you Australians to give in to the manliness of Manly Man Candle Company. I checked the stats this morning and there it was, ONE HIT FROM AUSTRALIA.

Thank you. You have redeemed your entire country. I now present two pictures from "The Council of Australians for Uneducated Americans". I swear I didn't make these, I got them off of this site.



So, even though I had hundreds of other things to say about Australia, the entire country has been spared because of one lucky reader.

I've got to tell you, I'm pretty happy that my demands were met after only one post. Now let's get some of you guys to buy some candles!!!

To the political genius at the airport yesterday

I was sitting in the Memphis airport last night waiting for an airplane. It would have been weird to have been sitting in the airport waiting for a bus, so I was waiting for an airplane.

Logical, don't you think? Try to keep up. I know you ignorant Australians are having trouble with this, so I'll type slower.

Anyhoo, this loud and somewhat annoying woman starts talking about the American presidential campaign. And she is talking with authority, because she once ran for public office. I'm not sure if she won, or not, but her campaign for "Supreme Ruler Of All Things Pretentious and Self-Righteous" must have been a doozy.

Look, I have my political views, and they're pretty strong, but I'm not going to bother you by screaming them to you every chance I get. Tell you what- I'll give you credit for making a decision you believe in, and you do the same for me.

Loudly talking about things you don't fully understand just makes you look like an idiot. Please don't do it. Oh, and I'll never change my mind because you heard a rumor on the internet about the guy. If you want me to think about your candidate, tell me something positive about him, not something negative about someone else. I don't care if McCain divorced his first wife. I don't care if Obama's grandma had her picture taken holding a chicken. I'm divorced and I like chicken, so I support both of those platforms.

To sum up, I appreciate your zeal for the process, now shut the hell up about it. The election is a long ways away, and I swear I'll shoot out my TV just like Elvis if I don't get a break from this.

Damn you, Australia!

I swear that nobody in Australia can read. I just checked Google Analytics to see if I'd gotten a single hit from you kangaroo loving criminals and I still haven't. EVERY OTHER CONTINENT (EXCEPT ANTARCTICA) HAS READ THIS BLOG, BUT YOU CROCODILE DUNDEE LOVING FOSTER'S BEER DRINKING AUSSIES HAVEN'T CLICKED ONCE.

It's beginning to make me a little angry. I'm going to start spreading vicious rumors about Australia until I get a hit from your "continent". It's really more of an island, but if it makes you illiterate castoffs happy to call it a continent then fine.

I'm serious, people. This will go on until I get a click from someone down under, where women glow and men plunder. I will issue an apology to all of Australia if someone sends me a picture of themselves in Australia with a picture of a recent newspaper.

But for now, it's on, Australia.